Detention

So, officially, this episode is called "Detention." But in my day, these episodes were all named after movies! This was "The Breakfast Club," "Baby" was "Look Who's Talking," etc. I distinctly remember this, and the internet backs me up. What I don't know is why they changed them all to generic names for syndication, DVD releases, etc. It can't be a copyright issue if you're just using the NAME, right?

I digress. The Breakfast Club episode! Finally, something good.

Dawson has a stuffed ET doll on his bed. That is all I can say about that.

Dawson and Joey somehow end up wrestling for the remote on his bed. Then it gets awkward and they stop. Dawson is yucky. They're talking about an unnamed movie where a girl chooses between two guys based on who has the fastest car. "Why don't they just arm wrestle, and whoever has the biggets bicep wins?" whines Dawson. He's just mad because he doesn't have the biggest bicep. Joey calls him out on just being pissy that a girl would pick a guy based on superficial reasons and not based on his romantic soul. Because that way Dawson would never get a girl! "Let me get this straight. If girls are so attracted to the romantic guys, then... why won't Jen have sex with you?" Way to get straight to the point, Joey! Dawson pouts and puts the movie back on while Joey shakes her head in disdain, along with the rest of the audience.

Aaaand credits.

At Capeside High, Joey is giving a presentation. I think this is the first appearance of Abby Morgan-- she walks into class late. A football player in the class-- we can tell he's a football player because of his perma-letter jacket-- asks Joey inappropriate questions about concubines. She snaps back at him that he has a low IQ. Nice.

Meanwhile in the hallway, Pacey is chatting with Jen by her locker, telling her all about how they used to call Dawson "Oompa Loompa." Heh. Appropriate. Dawson approaches and Pacey antagonizes him about how he sucks at gym class (and really, everything), before leaving him alone with Jen. Dawson presses to find out what they were talking about, but she doesn't relent. She changes the subject to how bored with life she is-- "Let's do something wild this weekend, like river rafting, or jump out of a plane naked." Um, no. Nobody needs to see Dawson naked. Bad idea, Jennifer.

In the boys' locker room, Dawson tricks Pacey into telling him what he said to Jen. "You told her people called me Oompa Loompa?!" They're really building this tension between the boys here.

In class, Jen tries to participate in a discussion about euthanasia, and the teacher's all like, "I don't know how classes operated in New York City, but we raise our HANDS here!" She defends euthanasia and the teacher leaps over the line between separation of church and state, bitching about the sanctity of the Lord's gift of life or some such. Then Jen says, "Life's a bitch." Then the teacher says, "This is not Times Square, Miss Lindley. We don't use that kind of language here." Ha. Detention for you, Jen!

In the cafeteria, the aforementioned football player antagonizes Joey in the lunch line. He's one of those one note, "I rule the school" TV jerks that just furthers the plot, but whatever. Well, he pushes Joey one step too far, and she punches him right in the face, which is pretty awesome. Good stuff.

In the gym, Pacey convinces Dawson to play basketball with him after class. Not really a fair game, is it? So Pacey's being really obnoxious, and Dawson gets butthurt and stomps off. Now it's Pacey's turn to push Dawson one step too far-- calling him Oompa Loompa-- so Dawson intentionally tries to murder Pacey with a basketball to the face. Pretty sure Dawson should be put in jail. Pacey's hot. Detention!

And now it's Saturday, which we know because the song playing on the soundtrack is about Saturday. Dawson and Jen approach the library for their sentence and are surprised to find Pacey already there, purple nose and everything. Then Abby Morgan shows up. She's a little one note, too-- the provocative bitch. I guess she gets a little development later, but whatever. She's annoying.

Then Joey walks in, much to everyone's surprise. She takes her seat among the other prisoners, as the librarian presiding over detention tells them basically, "Now I'm going to go to my secluded office where I can't keep an eye on you, but don't do anything bad, mmkay?" Once she's gone, Abby interrogates everybody about their crimes. Pacey won't tell. With good reason, if I recall correctly! We already know what everybody else did.

A little later, Abby tells everybody she got in trouble for having an ecstasy-fueled orgy in the bathroom. Ew. That bathroom is probably filthy.

And later still, Dawson says, "this is SO Breakfast Club." Because they knew their target audience was in diapers when The Breakfast Club came out, they have clueless Jen ask, "Breakfast Club?" Maybe she thinks he wants to take her to Waffle House. Do they have Waffle Houses in Massachussetts? I know it started in the South, because the first one is down the street, but surely people up North crave hash browns at 4 a.m., too. Joey and Dawson explain the movie, and then comes the set up for my favorite joke-- Jen asks what happened to the actors in the film, and Dawson enlightens her. He tells her about Anthony Michael Hall and Molly Ringwald, and says that "the rest are languishing somewhere in TV obscurity." This irks Pacey. "No way, Emilio Estevez, he was in those Duck movies, remember? Those were classics. So funny!" Heh. Oh, Charlie Conway.

Now everybody takes a bathroom break, so we are treated to a shot of Pacey and Dawson peeing. So strange to me. I don't want to watch boys at urinals, ever, really.

Even later, Abby gets bored and suggests they all play Truth or Dare. That's an obvious choice, Abby. Should've gone for Strip Freeze Tag or something a little more original. I have no idea how you would strip if you're frozen. That's the challenge. In any case, Abby dares Pacey to kiss Jen, and Dawson gets a little apoplectic. They do it, though. Then Pacey turns the heat on Joey-- "Who do you like?" Are we twelve? Well, I was, when this was originally on. Joey changes to a dare, so Pacey dares her to kiss Dawson. The horror!

Joey then asks Jen if Dawson is who Jen is most attracted to at Capeside. Dawson's all, "yeah, am I??" Everybody is so catty in this episode; it's great. Jen sputters a bit and then spits out the lie: "Yes, I lust for Dawson." Ew. No, Jen, I think that's just indigestion.

Dawson suggests they all sneak out of the library for a bit. They tiptoe past the office where the librarian is absorbed in soap operas, and go to the copy room where they photocopy their butts. What fun! Pacey and Dawson get in a little jealous tiff, and Pacey calls him Oompa Loompa again. Cue old school Western movie Mexican standoff music. They challenge each other to a basketball game, so it's off to the gym.

Pacey is skins and Dawson is shirts, and for that I am thankful. The girls snipe at each other in the bleachers. "Joey, it's obvious you're in love with Dawson!" says Abby, to explain why Joey keeps refusing Jen's friendship. "Am not!" she cries, but she so is, and Jen totally knows it.

Abby announces frantically that it's time to get back to the library before they get caught. And now comes the Breakfast Club-style run through the hallways, complete with the scene where they all slide down the corridor as if their shoes were, in fact, socks. They get caught anyway.

Punishment is organizing the card catalog. So before this, were they just supposed to be sitting there? I mean, it's a library, I guess they could read. Still. That's even more boring than having to watch this episode.

The librarian reveals Abby's true crime-- excessive tardies. But then we find out Pacey's offense-- jerking off in the locker room after some cheerleaders get him all hot and bothered in the gym. Dirty.

In between all that, Dawson reveals all his insecurities. He's not a "big sex stud" like Pacey. Well, duh.
"I guess I'm just looking for a reason... for why you don't want me," he says to Jen. She's all, "I like you!" because she can't make herself say those words out loud. She tells him he's a god-send, and how he's romantic, and all that. "Dawson, it's because of you that I get through the bad days." Ugh.

Joey's making a distressed face over at the table while this is going on. I'm making a distressed face, too, but for a different reason. She has an outburst about being inexperienced, so don't feel bad Dawson, and he says she'll find the right person, and she says she has. He runs to her side and she talks about her weird feelings while trying to hold back tears. It's super obvious that she means him, though he doesn't get it, because he's a moron. Jen gets it, and looks very uncomfortable with this situation. Then the librarian comes back in, and it's time to go home. Off the hook this time, Jo.

Wow, that one wasn't as awesome as I remembered. Maybe the next one will be awesome? Except, nope, it's the one with Jen's boyfriend from New York. Hmm.

Baby

I haven't written a new post in quite some time, and it's because this next episode is boring. If one boring episode is enough to put me off for so long, imagine what I will do come season two! I hope that there's a lot of snark-worthy material in my future.

Also, um, kids, this is long. Like, it might be quicker for you to just watch the episode. But I wouldn't recommend it.

We start in Dawson's stupid room. Joey is wearing white overalls. That's kind of weird, no? Is she about to paint a house? I don't understand. Ooh, and Jen is at movie night, which is making Joey uncomfortable. Jen meekly tries to bow out, trying not to intrude on their tradition. In the end, both girls leave, and Dawson is frustrated that his futile hopes of a threesome have been thwarted. Oh Dawson. Don't get your hopes up. You don't get any action 'til season five!

I do like all the establishing shots of North Caroli Capeside, with all the docks and sailboats and things. They make me feel like I'd want to live there. But I totally don't want to live there, are you kidding me?

Over at the Potter house, Bessie's about to pop. She is sitting in a rocking chair wearing a muu-muu and eating a lime popsicle, which makes me remember that I have lime popsicles in my freezer, which makes me want one, which makes me stop paying attention to the show for a minute while I contemplate how I could simultaneously watch, type, and eat a lime popsicle. I don't think it's gonna happen for me today.

Joey is drinking a Diet Coke. So am I. Cheers, Joey!

Crazy Religious Nut Grams is putting away laundry or snooping or something in Jen's flowerly bedroom, and spots a calendar on Jen's wall. "What in heaven's name is this?" she gasps. "It's a filthy calendar!" It looks like it's just a photograph of a nude sculpture, not even of a live person, so I don't know if Grams is supposed to be so stodgy and nutty that she doesn't even approve of art, or what. Anyway, then Jen makes a crack about Naked Jesus and Grams is appalled. They argue about religion too much. It's boring.

Ms. Jacobs is putting books into the backseat of her hot red convertible, and Pacey's loudly asking her out on a public date as she does so. What is wrong with these people? I've snuck around, and this is not sneaking around. Idiots.

Cut to Pacey peeing in the bathroom. Awkward. Dawson's just washing his hands, thank god. So Pacey tells Dawson all about how he's going to take Ms. Jacobs to Providence on a date, and how their relationship isn't just about sex, yadda yadda yadda. He takes the time (after he's already said some pretty damning things, I might add) to look under the stall doors to make sure nobody is in there, but is apparently too blinded by love to notice that one stall door is CLOSED because there's a dude inside squatting on the toilet, smoking. Do they not smell the smoke? Does love make you lose both your sense of sight AND smell? That's odd. In any case, some long-haired stoner now knows all the details of Pacey's little affair. The plot, she thickens!

Later, Jen and Dawson are walking across campus. Jen is wearing a sleeved maxi dress she appears to have stolen from Grams' closet. She tells Dawson about this rumor she heard-- that Pacey is banging Ms. Jacobs. Truth? Dawson is bad at hiding things, so now Jen knows. Good friend, D!

Dawson and Pacey discuss the fallout in-- a big supply closet? Somebody's office? Where are they? There's a lot of clutter, some weird metal contraptions, a desk and a sticker on the wall that says "Dart Boards." Anyway, Pacey's kind of freaking out, and Dawson reminds him that, duh, nobody in high school is really going to believe a rumor that a 15-year-old is banging his "hot" teacher. If I had heard that back in high school, I wouldn't have believed it unless there was some kind of "proof," like somebody saw them doing it in the auditorium or something. Still, I don't know how well this is going to work out for Pacey in Dawson's Creekland.

Pacey is late for Ms. Jacobs' class, which seems like a bad idea-- don't draw more attention to them, y'know?-- and all the students are making cracks about the rumor. They're all really obvious jokes and I don't know why Ms. Jacobs just kind of giggles them off. Be assertive, lady, you're in charge here!

Later, presumably after school, Pacey mopes on a park bench while that quasi-metal music Dawson used to mope to plays. Joey comes over to empathize with him-- "I know what you're going through," she says. You hit that too, Jo? In any case, what she means is that she's used to the whispers and stares. Pacey and Joey bonding is just cute and rarely snarkable, so I guess my work here is done.

Jen and Dawson are walking home. Jen is wearing some pretty fug boots to go with Grams' christening gown. I don't even know what a christening gown is, but this dress needs a name. When they reach Jen's house, Grams peeks out the screen door wearing, I swear, a flowered short-sleeved robe thing over her real clothes paired with house shoes or something. House shoes, for those of you who don't have grandparents living in a smallish town in Georgia, are slippers. I don't know, it looks weird. And Grams is all wild-eyed as she watches Dawson and Jen say goodbye. I don't know what made them decide to make her into Action Grams in subsequent seasons, but I'm glad that's coming up.

I told you Bessie was about to pop. Joey comes home to find her trying to drive their truck to the hospital, but the tire is stuck in a hole? Or something? Crazy things happen to these creek folks. So anyway, they determine that since the truck is apparently permanently stuck in a hole, they need to call an ambulance. But wait! The Potter phone doesn't work! WTF, Potters, pay your phone bill. Also, oh, 1997. You should've held off on getting knocked up until they invented cell phones, Bess. So Bessie points out the closest phone is at Dawson's house (really?), and Joey points out that the quickest way to get to Dawson's is to paddle (really?). Into the canoe they go. Heh. "You're rowing like a girl," says Bessie, and snatches the paddles away. Nice. Then: "Oh my god, Bessie, the boat is leaking." "That's not the boat, Joey." Ew. Bessie is leaking.

Dawson calls the ambulance, but it can't get there for awhile. That's right, "it." There's one. This town is a little like Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies-- a different size based on whatever suits the purpose of the plot. It's big enough to have a community college and a yacht club and all that, but only has one ambulance and "no doctor within 30 miles," says Bessie. Also, can't somebody just drive her to the hospital now that they're on the right side of the creek? I know that the kids are fifteen, but they have neighbors. Okay, okay, I'll stop picking apart plot holes, because if Grams drove Bessie to the hospital, this episode would probably be even more boring. I should be grateful.

In the midst of all this, Pacey is waiting for Ms. Jacobs outside her house. That doesn't look suspicious to anyone who happens to walk by. Ms. Jacobs gets pissy because she thinks he told people. She says all the teachers are talking about it and points out that, yeah, she could probably get in real trouble for this. She breaks up with him and storms inside the house.

Meanwhile at the Leery Maternity Ward, Dawson and Joey decide they need to call Grams, because they don't know how to deliver a baby. Grams is pretty busy wearing that weird robe and lecturing Jen about Jesus, but oh, she supposes she'd have a second to help.

Pacey is walking around the marina when Deputy Doug pulls up. He's heard the rumor too! At Carlton's. Getting a haircut. He looks pretty sweet in those aviators. The version of the rumor he heard said that the kid in question made up the claims, so he's just mad at Pacey for spreading lies about "poor, sweet Tamara." Apparently there's going to be an emergency school board meeting to determine if they're going to charge Ms. Jacobs with anything. Yikes.

Okay, Dawson, I know you're a film geek, and practice makes perfect, and all that. But you don't need to be filming Bessie's vagina. Ever. Even if it's for her boyfriend who can't be there. Even if you're thinking of going the documentary route next. I don't care. Don't do it.

Bessie is mad that they got Grams to help, because, "she's borderline racist and hates everything about me and my boyfriend and our unborn child." Good point. This is Crazy Grams we're dealing with here. She might snatch the baby away and take it to live in the attic at Capeside Wilderness Church of Jesus, surrounded by hay and bats, sleeping in a manger and fed only the Word of God. Make sure you keep a good grip on it once it's out, Bessie.

Jen should have changed out of that dress while she was at home. Just saying.

At the school board hearing, Pacey approaches Ms. Jacobs, calling her "Tammy." Good move, moron. Ms. Jacobs' lawyer won't let him talk to her. That's a lot more sensible. Pacey apologizes anyway and slumps off. Ms. Jacobs gets interrogated by a judge, sort of. Is she on trial already? Is this how the justice system works? Pacey comes back in and interrupts the proceedings to announce that he made it all up, the whole rumor. That's the best move you've made so far in this affair, Pacey.

Dawson takes a break from filming Bessie's vagina because he notices Joey looks a little peaked on the couch. He tells her it'll be okay, but then goes right back to filming. He doesn't want to miss the action! Jen announces to Grams that there's a lot of blood, which sends Bessie into a fit. "Mrs. Ryan, smile for the camera!" Dawson says cheerfully. She smacks the camera out of his hand. Nice. That's the Action Grams I know and love. She and Jen confer in the kitchen, because Jen apparently has a medical degree and a few years of residency under her belt and somehow thinks she knows exactly what a birth should look like.

Back to birthing. Jen keeps demanding that Grams give Bessie something for the pain (does she carry sedatives around with her?) but Grams has her recite the Lord's Prayer instead. That's the same.

Dawson, no longer allowed to film, finds Joey outside freaked out. She tells Dawson she's scared and talks about when her mom was dying, which is sad, but not really the same as Bessie giving birth. I'll give her a pass, though, because it's gotta be a stressful situation. No snark here.

At the courthouse, Deputy Doug apologizes for Pacey to Ms. Jacobs. He's all "Pacey's a screwup and super lame!" and she's all "Pacey is awesome!" Then she drives off in her sportscar. I wish she was driving away forever already but I guess I don't have to wait long for her to leave for good. (SPOILER ALERT. Wait, that should have come first. I'm sorry; I did it wrong.)

On the OB/GYN floor, Bessie manages to make that final push and we're treated to the sight of a bloody crying baby. What do they use to simulate the blood and gook that's on newborn babies in film and TV, do you think? Because it looks like red Jello.

Pacey just can't leave well enough alone, so of course he goes over to Ms. Jacobs' house again. Seriously, I know it's a small town, but aren't there people here? People who could see him going into her house all the time in broad daylight and assume things? Anyway, they sit out on her porch and chat. He tells her he doesn't want to break up, which is kind of ridiculous given that she could have gone to JAIL or wherever they put teachers who do it with 15-year-olds. But yeah, she tells him she's skipping town for Rochester. That's right; her departure was sooner than I thought. I didn't spoil much. She tells him it was inevitable for them to end, which is true. Silly Pacey. Did you think you were going to end up with your English teacher? She tells him how much she cares about him, but that she's 36 and wants babies one day. "I want to be their mother, not their girlfriend." Well that's good to know.

At Grams', Grams is writing in her feelings journal at the kitchen table and she and Jen bond for a moment. But then Grams ruins it by asking Jen if she's suddenly started to believe in God just because a baby was born on the Leery living room floor (gross).

And back at the Potters', that baby is huge. I know they can't use actual newborns, but it's funny to see a 20 lb. toddler standing in as a baby born today.

Pacey earns his Creepy Stalker merit badge by standing in the dark on the beach, watching Ms. Jacobs putter about inside her house. He smirks. "Bye, Tammy." Walks off. At least this chapter is closed. And this episode is over! Yay! Now I can finally get that lime popsicle.

Hurricane

Once again Dawson and Joey are in his room watching movies. And so it begins. The Winds of Foreshadowing blow in through the inexplicably open window as they switch the TV to the weather report. School is canceled, woohoo! Dawson's truancy-inspired good mood is ruined when the broadcast cuts to his mom and her lovah, who make weird innuendos about spending the day in bed together. "Your life is a hurricane," says Joey to Dawson. WTF? Oh and then, as Joey's climbing out the window, we're treated to the "Fasten your seatbelt. It's gonna be a bumpy life," line that was prominently featured in early Dawson's Creek promos. I forgot about that one.

Opening credits. I want to know right now, what will it be? Skip.

A hurricane is taking over Capeside! Dramatic shots of people bringing outdoor furniture inside! Cats and dogs raining from the sky!

Dawson confronts Gail in the Leery kitchen without actually telling her he knows about the affair. She's visibly shaken up. It's actually kind of awesome. I never thought I'd say that about Dawson.

Deputy Doug and Pacey walk up and down the windy beach, sticking signs in the sand that say "No Swimming." Duh. It's hurricaning. Don't go swimming in the ocean. Then Pacey starts the time-honored tradition of accusing Deputy Doug of being gay, which was funny when I was younger but now is just kind of tired. "But you like Barbara Streisand!" is lame reasoning.

They show up at Ms. Jacobs' house (which incidentally, as my friend Sara pointed out, looks to be the same house that Pacey and Doug live in later on in the series. Oh, TV). Awkward City. Pacey thinks that Ms. Jacobs and Deputy Doug are flirting, which they kind of are. He glares a lot in this scene, while Ms. Jacobs just giggles a lot.

Back at the Leery homestead, Crazy Backwoods Grams and Jen are over to wait out the storm. Grams mutters something about the Lord or raccoons or something. I swear, she's ridiculous in these early episodes. Dawson and Jen awkwardly talk on the front porch. Why is everything so awkward on this show? Dawson won't look her in the eye or anything and she flounces off.

So far the blocking in this episode has almost ENTIRELY consisted of people bringing rocking chairs indoors, which amuses me.

The Worst Cheater In The World loudly flirts with her lovah via telephone while sitting on the stairs in her house. Where everybody else in town is currently waiting out the storm. She makes kissy sounds into the phone. FOR REAL. Dawson finds her and makes an overly dramatic allusion to The Scarlet Letter. She chases him down and tries to backpedal about her cheating. "If you let me, I might be able to help you understand this," she says. I don't know anything about cheating, but she's kind of a cold-hearted bitch about it. Dawson storms off.

Into his room, where Jen is lurking! "Is the proposition of monogram such a Jurassic notion?" I don't think you should use Jurassic that way, Dawson. Then Jen is trying to defend Gail, and he says, "You would try to defend her." The "slut" is unspoken. OH, SNAP, D! You've gone too far. Jen storms away (lots of storming in this episode-- get it?? Because there's a hurricane?). Meanwhile Dawson discovers Joey hiding in his closet. WTF? He's all pissy-- oh yeah, because he's still mad that she didn't tell him about the affair. Then she gets pissed that he's pissed and plays the "at least you have a mom" card, which is kind of lame, but does the trick to make Dawson feel bad at least.

Back in the living room, everybody watches Gail's lovah stand in the wind and report about the weather on TV. Joey makes a crack about it, then she and Gail end up sitting in the stairwell discussing the situation. What is it about stairwells that make people think nobody else can hear them? Everybody else is like ten feet away. Gail tells Joey she's ending the affair.

Deputy Doug and Pacey have a pissing contest of sorts over Ms. Jacobs. Doug goes out to investigate a strange noise and while he's gone, Pacey convinces Ms. Jacobs that he's way gay. They start making out a little bit, during which the tablecloth gets somehow pulled off the table and Pacey winds up on top of her on the floor. Which, of course, is when Doug comes back in. Heh.

Uh oh, time for Gail to tell Mitch about the affair. Grab your popcorn. Dawson tries to sneak out of the room but Gail makes him stay. Gail babbles on about her dream of being Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters. Somehow this comes around to how for two months she's been doin' it with another dude. "With another man. Having sex with another man," she reiterates. Way to rub it in, Gail!

The storm is heavy and I guess the power goes out. Mitch frantically looks for batteries or candles or something and then freaks out at Gail when she starts crying. "Don't you cry! You don't get to cry." Love it. You show her, Mitch.

At Ms. Jacobs', the unlikely threesome browse board games by candlelight. Doug suggests they play The If Game. "What's that?" asks Ms. Jacobs. It's basically just asking each other questions, and is not really a game at all, Doug. Ms. Jacobs reveals that she has "a dysfunctional ex-husband" back in New York. And probably a string of teenage ex-boyfriends, too.

Grams judges at Bodie and Bessie about their being interracial and unmarried and young and pregnant and shit. It gets old.

Jen and Joey sit on the floor on the porch and eat ice cream. Obviously, they start to discuss Dawson's penis size. "Do you think Dawson's got a pistol or a rifle?" asks Jen. I don't want any part of this discussion. But I feel it's my duty to report that they decide that he's "slightly above average." Ugh.

At Ms. Jacobs', The If Game is obviously over because Monopoly has begun. Boring. Ms. Jacobs and Doug sing some showtunes together, and then Doug asks her out. She agrees, but only because she thinks he's gay. She defends Pacey by telling Doug that she guessed it herself, using her well-honed gaydar. Aaaand Doug pulls his gun on Pacey. WTF? Unprofessional. But it works to make Pacey tell Ms. Jacobs that he isn't gay. Even though he so is.

Mitch has been sitting in the car in the rain for awhile now, and Gail runs out and gets in. He correctly guesses the identification of her lovah, then reminisces about the first time they met. He knew he loved her in that second, he says. Aww, Mitch. "Love is a decision that you make, and I made it, right there, on the spot." I love Mitch. Then he tells her he's deciding not to love her anymore. Yikes. "I choose to hate you now." I don't think it works like that but I really feel for him.

Now the following day (presumably?) the storm is over, and we're treated to shots of people taking their rocking chairs back outside. Doug asks Ms. Jacobs out again and she shoots him down because she's "seeing someone right now." I know who.

Jen and Dawson run into each other in the living room and she tells him all about her past. I guess before she didn't tell him all the gory details. Virginity lost at 13, drunken nights, caught having sex in her parents' bed, etc. "It's not you, okay, it's my own stupid hang-ups," explains Dawson. They make up. It's kind of boring. In fact, for how much confrontation happens in this episode, it's kind of boring all around.

Pacey comes back to see Ms. Jacobs. He tells her he's "rapidly falling in love with" her. Doesn't she kind of realize that this is not a good idea? "You know we're gonna have to end this; it's getting too dangerous," she says. Okay, maybe she does sort of realize it. But then she yanks him by his shirt into her house for some lovin', so I don't think she's entirely aware.

Gail sits in one of the aforementioned rocking chairs on the porch, and Mitch comes home. He sits outside the screen, with the barrier in between them, and asks why she did it. She explains that she had everything she'd ever wanted, and got restless. Yikes. "What do you do when everything is right? When everything is just what you've always wanted it to be?" Uh, you enjoy it?? "I just wanted to want again." I don't like it, Gail. I don't like it at all.

Joey is lurking in Dawson's room again. That's a little weird, right? That these girls are always chilling in his room when he isn't there? He apologizes to her and she apologizes to him for using "the mother card." They sigh a lot and then go play Jaws in the closet. What a pair of weirdos.

Discovery

Episode four begins with Dawson and Joey in his room again. This time they're watching the video of Jen showing up in Capeside, exiting the cab in slow motion wearing her yellow sundress, which I don't remember them filming. Creepy. It becomes even more creepy when they change the tape and discover the sex tape from The Ruins-- they can only see Ms. Jacobs' face, though, and don't even ID her at first. "That woman looks familiar..." says Dawson. They figure it out eventually, the geniuses that they are, but the male lead remains a mystery. Well, the couple apparently did it up against a big tree, so I'd say whoever has gashes all over his back is the culprit.

Cue credits.

At the Icehouse, Dawson and Joey tell Jen and Pacey about the sex tape. Pacey is all squirrely, as would be expected. He asks to see the tape and Joey makes more masturbation euphemisms. Heh. This show is full of 'em. This time it was "flogging the bishop," in case you were curious.

Apparently Dawson and Jen are A Couple now. They hold hands on the way home and almost kiss, 'til she realizes Wild-Eyed Grams is watching them. She babbles on about anticipation, then kisses him anyway. Grams at the window is scandalized.

"Do you do these things to upset me, Jennifah?" asks an exasperated Grams in the kitchen. Then we're treated to implications of what Jen was like in New York. Too fast, too loose, whatever. I didn't care too much about Jen's plotlines at 12 and I don't at 24, either.

At the Leery residence, The Worst Cheater In The World acts all hot and cold towards Mitch. Meanwhile upstairs, Pacey tears apart Dawson's collection of unlabeled VHS tapes. "Stop, you're messing up my dailies!" whines Doucheson. He then removes the tape in question from a hollow book on his lame half-canoe bookcase and hands it over. Pacey acts nervous and then begrudgingly admits to Dawson that he's the guy on the tape. "No guy's first time should be captured on video," he says. Awkward. But true. And even more awkward to realize that Dawson WATCHED his best friend's first time. Geez. Then even MORE awkward when Pacey asks Dawson, "Did I look alright? Performance wise, did I cut it, man?" Yes, let's discuss THAT. Awkward City.

Joey and Dawson shop for an anniversary present for Ma and Pa Leery at a local candle/folk art/men's clothing store. They awkwardly run into Gail and her lovah, her co-anchor Bob. She's helping him pick out a sport coat. Joey glares knowingly but Dawson is gleefully oblivious as usual.

Judgy Grams judges Jen.

Ms. Jacobs drinks coffee at an outdoor cafe across the street from the video store where Pacey works. He runs over and tries to hold her hand, and she's all, "WTF dude, way to be discreet!"

Dawson shows Jen the cut of his monster movie. She lies to him and says she thinks it's good. (It has to be a lie, right? Because... it's not.) He foreshadows that he'll be at his mom's station to use their equipment the following day, so we know something's going to go down with Gail and her lovah. Dawson sits on the bed with Jen and then talks about how they're on a bed together, which is kind of ridiculous. They kiss and he tries to move into a more horizontal position, if you know what I mean (and I think you do), but she's having none of that.

Next day at the TV station, Jen is trying to dub over her terrible scream with more terrible screams. They take a break during which Dawson purchases a Diet Pepsi from the vending machine for Jen. Gross. Diet Pepsi tastes like bugspray. Then they see Gail and her lovah kissing in the hallway of the station. Does nobody at her place of employment know she's married? Isn't she worried that somebody might confront her about it, or worse, tell Mitch? Worst. Cheater. Ever.

Cue angry music. Dawson glares into space on a bench near the pier with Jen. Jen offers to talk, and he just pouts, then--

He's knocking on the door at Joey's. "I need to talk to you." Take that, Jen! Dawson rants to Joey about adultery and the seamy underbelly of Capeside. Then Dawson finds out that Joey knew about the affair, and freaks out. Incidentally, Joey is wearing an awkward stripey belly-shirt that stops about two inches above the waist of her mom jeans. I take umbrage to this. Anyway, Dawson gets all dramatic and says they aren't friends anymore. "Have a nice life!" he shouts as he stomps into the house. She looks sad but is probably secretly hoping she's rid of that tool for good. Maybe I'm projecting.

Ms. Jacobs is at the cafe across from the video store again, this time with Mr. Gold. Pacey is jealous.

Gail comes home in the super-short skirt suit she bought because she saw it on Ally McBeal and Dawson turns his steely glare to her. She's all, "la la la, what's wrong?" He flounces over to Jen's without confronting her. Grams answers the door with a sour look on her face. Dawson is apparently ready to talk to Jen now that his first choice pissed him off. He's all, "I hate secrets. Let's not tell secrets," and Jen's clearly thinking, "Oh shit, I have a lot of secrets." She breaks down and tells him all about her seedy past. His purity bubble is apparently burst by the idea that she's had sex before. He crosses his arms and glares.

Cue more angry music. Dawson's life is crashing down around him.

At school, Dawson blows off Jen. She's clearly realized that sharing secrets isn't always for the best.

Pacey confronts Ms. Jacobs about her running around with Mr. Gold, citing concern about STDs. "Do you like him or do you like me?" he whines. She beats around the bush for awhile and then drops the bomb that Mr. Gold likes dudes. "Don't worry, 15-year-old student of mine. I choose you."

Jen confronts Dawson about what a douche he's being. This is an episode for confrontation. And discovery, I suppose.

At the video store, Dawson complains to Pacey about the fact that Jen's not a virgin. Oh, the horror! Pacey's all, "Look dude. This is a good thing. This means she'll put out." Not necessarily true, but a good point. "It's not about sex, Pacey, it's about romance!" Shut up, Dawson. Pacey enlightens Dawson about how he's put Jen on a pedestal and that the Jen in his mind doesn't really exist and all that. Voice of reason. Dawson doesn't buy it.

At the Leery's, Mitch is getting ready for his anniversary date with Gail. Sucker. Dawson bounds into the room, excited to ruin Mitch's evening by telling him about what a soulless cheater his wife is, but Gail walks in and interrupts. Dawson sure does pout a lot. He decides not to tell Mitch yet, so Mitch remains woefully ignorant. Poor Mitch.

Jen shows up at the Icehouse afterhours to see Joey and talk to her about Dawson. Jen tells Joey about her transgressions and how she admitted them to Dawson, and Joey sits down to give her advice while probably secretly plotting to steal him away. They have a heart-to-heart about dear old Dawson.

Pacey lies in Ms. Jacobs' bed, reading Time Magazine. Are they like a real couple now? Like boyfriend and girlfriend? He asks how many dudes she's bedded. Awkward. Who really wants to know that stuff? She blabs about all the notches in her bedpost and he gets all sad because he thinks she didn't mention him, 'til she says "The one in high school? I didn't mean my high school," and he grins proudly.

Jen rants about her hard life to her granddad-in-a-coma. Hmm.

A Sarah McLachlan song about killing yourself plays as Dawson sits at The Ruins (aren't they done trespassing yet?) and angrily watches the water. Mega over-dramatic. Joey shows up, for some reason trying to apologize to him. She tells him not to screw things up with Jen and he's all, "Bitch, I'm ungrateful!"

"I'm mad at the world, Joey. I'm a teenager." Shut up, Doucheson. He tries to rebuff her and for some reason, she sticks to it instead of telling him he's an ass. Then they kind of make up. They joke around about their awkward relationship. This show is a lot more awkward than I thought when I was 12. They also talk about their relationships a hell of a lot more than people do in real life, especially at 15. But I guess it would be less fun if they acted like real 15-year-olds, because real 15-year-olds are super annoying.

Kiss

As a sidenote, I don't know whether to be extra lenient or extra hard on this episode since my minutes-ago discovery that it was written by Rob Thomas, the genius behind Veronica Mars and most recently, Party Down. The things you learn from Wikipedia.

The third episode of the season opens with Dawson and Joey watching From Here To Eternity on his bed. "This is my future with Jen." Ugh. "Just kiss her, will you?" grouses Joey. I think I'm beginning to like this girl. She's the voice of the audience. Incidentally, Joey is wearing some total mom-jeans in this scene. Oh, 1998.

Cue credits. I don't want to wait. Incidentally, Joshua Jackson is so adorable, both then and now.

In Film Class, Dawson sits silently in the back. The morons in the class brainstorm about their movie, "Helmets of Glory." They don't have an ending, or something. Noel from Felicity presides over the meeting. Dawson can't help but pipe up from the back, "Guys, guys!" And yeah, his ideas make more sense than the rest of the idiots', but that's only because their ideas are SO stupid. That's the only way the writers can make Dawson seem intelligent and talented.

Ms. Jacobs makes up an excuse to get Pacey alone in her classroom. Sure, he got a 23 on a test; I believe you, Ms. Jacobs. Or shall I call you Tamara? The test is on Ethan Frome. I loved English class, and I still couldn't get through Ethan Frome. I don't blame you, Pacey. He tells her that he failed on purpose so she'd tutor him. "I need a slavedriver. Somebody with a whip, maybe?" She pretends to be offended four about three seconds, then agrees to meet with him for a little one-on-one tutoring after school. Yikes.

The beautiful coast of North Caroli-- I mean, Massachusetts. This is our first glimpse at the S.S. Icehouse, the restaurant the Potters own. Joey's waiting tables while Dawson babbles about his "big break" to Pacey. The film class kids relented and are finally letting him help out. Whatever, Dawson. Joey tries to take their order and Pacey asks for something "sexy"-- oysters, he decides, to apparently help turn HIM on for his study date with Ms. Jacobs.

A preppy guy who I guess could maybe pass for cute walks in and Joey's totally checking him out. Ow ow, girl, get you some.

Back at school, Dawson is in charge of polishing the helmets or something for the movie. Jen, in full cheerleader garb, shows up-- apparently she's an extra. "But Jen, you're supposed to be in MY movie!" Ugh. Dawson sighs, and his five o'clock shadow grows a little bit more.

Back in a classroom, apparently the study session consists of Pacey reading Ethan Frome to himself next to Ms. Jacobs' desk. I'm sure that's both necessary and helpful. She offers him "positive reinforcement." What a ho.

Joey is taking out the trash behind the restaurant and hears a violin being played. Oh look, it's the preppy guy from earlier, playing on the deck of his boat. Ridiculous. But whatever, it's better than Joey pining for Dawson, so I'm in. Joey and the preppy guy, whose name turns out to be Anderson Crawford (aka Accounting Firm), banter a little. She hides her server apron, and he thinks she's summering in Capeside or something even though it's the school year and he's clearly supposed to be around her age. He invites her to go sailing with him, and because apparently the past five minutes have convinced her that he couldn't possibly be an axe-murderer (always a concern), she agrees. He asks her name, and she flashes back to From Here To Eternity: "Deborah Carr--son. Deborah Carson." (George...Glass! George Glass! Oh, Jan Brady.)

Ms. Jacobs quizzes Pacey on Ethan Frome. I keep expecting them to break out into strip tutoring at any moment.

Dawson snarks bitterly to himself as he does manual labor on the movie set. He gets yelled at by Nellie Olsen, the worst actress in history. It's good stuff.

Pacey asks Ms. Jacobs for a reward. "It's late. There's no janitor, no film crew," he cajoles. Uh, yes there is, Pacey. See the previous scene. Ms. Jacobs pretends to call his bluff. "You're right. Let's do it." She totally wants it for real, though. He gets all squeaky-voiced and she starts to unbutton her blouse. "What, is this your first time, Pacey?" He looks all ashamed: "You know that it is." No shit. You're 15. This snaps her out of it. "This is beyond wrong." It used to be deadly wrong. It's getting righter by the episode.

Joey shows up on Accounting Firm's yacht, wearing lipstick (like Bessie taught her how-- continuity!). She continues to spin her web of lies, claiming to have gone to or go to Choate in Manhattan, then helps him untie knots on the boat. "I didn't know you sailed," he remarks. No shit, dude, you met this girl five seconds ago. Also, she's full of shit.

Joey and Accounting Firm play Frisbee on the deserted beach where Accounting Firm has taken her to presumably kill her and hide the body. He tells her she acts like she has a boyfriend, then brings up the fact that he only likes honest chicks and kills and eats liars. Joey looks nervous.

"Helmets of Glory" looks so freaking bad. The kids shooting it can't figure out how to do a tracking shot, and won't let Dawson get a word in even though he has a better idea. He pouts for awhile.

Accounting Firm winds up on top of Joey at the beach, but she turns away when he leans in for a kiss. She's probably thinking that his forehead isn't large enough for her tastes. Then she throws a Frisbee at his sandcastle to really ruin his afternoon.

Back on the film set, Dawson finally convinces Noel from Felicity to let him shoot the tracking shot. He sits in a wheelchair that was on the football field for no recognizable reason and the shot looks passable, so everybody applauds him and Dawson is redeemed. Hmm.

Joey skips happily around the Icehouse. Dawson orders food for both himself and Jen, and Jen says, "Shut it, bitch; I can order my own food, and I didn't even want a damn turkey club." Just kidding; she smiles and giggles and asks for no mayo on hers. Oh snap, Accounting Firm shows up, so Joey has to sit on the other side of the bar and pretend she's Deborah Carson. "Who's Deborah?" asks Dense Dawson. "We don't think of her as Deborah. She's just Deb to us," interjects Jen. At least somebody's not a moron.

Pacey is wheeling the chair back into the school (how did he get a hold of it? He didn't even know they were filming that night), and sees Ms. Jacobs bonding with Mr. Gold, talking about Barbara Streisand movies. Jealousy isn't a good color on Pacey. He lurks around the corner 'til she comes out of the classroom, then confronts her. "I know what you do with your students, so I guess he's in for one heck of a ride." Heh. That's kind of douchey, Pacey.

Dawson and Jen are going to shoot the end of the Dawson's shitty movie at The Ruins. They're trespassing, evidently, which I guess is worth it to them even though the only thing they're trying to shoot is one shot of Jen looking pensive. It's literally like a four second shot. "Cut! And print!" Dawson says to no one. Then he tries to kiss her. She notices that the camera is still rolling, and all he can say is "Um." Heh.

Joey follows the sound of Accounting Firm's violin to his boat again. He's pleased to see her, probably because he doesn't know she's a lying liar. He says his family is leaving, but they visit New York and he could come see her. She name drops a restaurant that doesn't exist or something, and despite the fact that you can read on his face that he now knows that everything about her is an elaborate lie, he gives her his number. They kiss, which is good, because it's always good for Joey to get some when it's not from Dawson.

Cut to Jen yelling at Dawson for trying to videotape him macking on her. He whines about trying to create a perfect moment or something, which really doesn't explain why he was trying to videotape it. "I'm afraid if I don't kiss you soon, I'm gonna explode." Shut up, Doucheson.

Jen and Dawson hear a car pull up, and since they're trespassing, they run and hide. Dawson leaves the video camera rolling, of course, for plot purposes. Meredith Brooks "What Would Happen If We Kissed" plays on the hit-you-over-the-head-with-an-anvil soundtrack while Dawson and Jen make out underneath some mossy growth. On the other side of the ruins, we see the feed from the video camera-- and we're shocked! It's Pacey and Ms. Jacobs. Doing it. Then cuddling after. Shit just got real.

Dance

We've survived the pilot and we're onto episode two of season one, the cleverly titled "Dance." It begins with more of Dawson's terrible movie. This time he and Joey are watching his dailies. It's so clear how horrid it is. I mean, it looks like a movie a 15-year-old shot on a camcorder, which it is, but it's beaten into our heads how talented this douchebag is. I don't see it.

"How enchanting to meet a strapping young man who doesn't have sex on the brain," says Dawson, trying to convince Joey that Jen would have any reason to go for him over, say, any other guy ever. Then: "Jen happens to be a bright, intelligent young woman who is clearly in control of her own body." Dawson sounds like a grandmother.

Dawson is making a life-size model of Joey's head so he can behead her in the movie. It looks ridiculous. Oh, show.

Cue opening credits.

Dawson once again tries to whine his way into film class. "Study hall is too crowded! Can I sit in the back of your class and not participate?" He's like the same age as the teacher (mid-40's, I'd guess), which makes this exchange a little weird for me. Mr. Gold finally relents, and Dawson looks smug as usual.

Pacey is dead set on this Ms. Jacobs thing. Whispering in her ear about "the open-mouthed kiss" in her classroom while students stream in... he has a lot to learn about covert affairs. "We have nothing to discuss," says Ms. Jacobs. So hot and cold. Women. "Your tongue was in my mouth," Pacey stage-whispers as the rest of the class pretends not to hear. Ridiculous. I feel like I'll be saying that word a lot as I watch this show.

Ms. Jacobs lectures about Wuthering Heights in a glaringly obvious demonstration of subtext. "The whole thing was wrong. Never should've happened." Man, Dawson's Creek is so subtle. Pacey looks defeated.

Onto film class. Noel from Felicity plays the kind of jock who wears his letter jacket every day, like on Daria or Glee. For some reason he's in film class, though, and seems to be directing the class movie, "Helmets of Glory." I understand that the writers really want us to think that Dawson has talent, but apparently the only way they can do so is to make the rival movie look even worse than Dawson's. "Remember, this is autobiographical, so if anybody has any questions, I was there, I lived it. Come talk to me," says Noel from Felicity, whose name is also Cliff.

Cliff is shown asking out Jen. Dawson pouts as if life as he knows it is over. Incidentally, they always shoot Jen with this light behind her so her hair kind of glows, like a halo. It looks really silly.

Back at the Leery residence, Dawson awkwardly asks his dad for kissing advice. "I'm interested in technique," he says. Do teenage boys really ask their dad for kissing techniques? Dawson sits through Mitch's adorable Chapstick first kiss story, even though any real teenage boy would probably be made uncomfortable by hearing about his parents making out. We see Joey climb in the window upstairs, where she then sneaks to the balcony and watches these events unfold. The awkwardness compounds as Mitch suggests Dawson practice kissing on the fake Joey head. AND HE DOES IT. "Dad, this is ridiculous!" says Dawson. Uh, you're telling me! And yet he closes his eyes and pulls in Fake!Joey for some tonsil hockey. Joey from upstairs closes her own eyes and pretends she's kissing Dawson instead of thinking what she SHOULD be thinking, which is "OMGWTF is he doing? This is mega-creepy."

The Worst Cheater In The World, aka Gail Leery, has dragged the corded phone into the closet and is stage-whispering to her lovah. Joey uses her astute powers of deduction to follow the cord from the hall table and figures out that Gail's in there. Keep in mind, Joey saw Gail kissing her lovah at his car at the end of the pilot. "Mrs. Leery? I know," says Joey, with disapproving eyes. The Worst Cheater In The World is somehow surprised.

More of Dawson's sea-monster movie. Joey gets her head whacked off, and thus is covered in fake blood. Into the screened in porch she goes, where Jen offers to help with the blood. "Ooh, it looks like it's really stuck on there, isn't it?" she says, as she dabs Joey's bosom with a towel. Then: "You have nice breasts." OH, THE SHOCK. Parental groups are freaking out as we speak.

Pacey kisses Jen on camera, lingering a little bit longer than Dawson seems comfortable with. "Are you okay?? Did he hurt you??" Dawson freaks out, before cutting the kiss from the film entirely. What a whiner. She probably doesn't want to kiss you, anyway, Doucheson.

Dawson has planned a movie night instead of the school dance, because obviously his gross unpopularity means he can't show his face at a social event. Jen rejects him in favor of dancing awkwardly with the school quarterback/Dawson's film class rival/Noel from Felicity. Dawson later paces in his room, cursing Cliff Elliott's name. "I don't think his cinematic prowess is the attraction, Dawson," says Joey, who is really on point in this episode. He flops back on his bed while making the noise of a strangled cat. Shut up, Doucheson.

Off to the dance to awkwardly break up Jen and Cliff! That's a good move, Dawson. "This is so pathetic, Dawson," points out Joey. I KNOW, RIGHT?

The Worst Cheater In The World kisses Mitch goodbye while on her way to meet with her lovah. Joey schools her. "Your actions affect others." Dawson comes downstairs and more awkwardness ensues. Joey gives Gail a Meaningful Look before leaving for the dance. Dawson smiles obliviously.

Savage Garden plays in the school gym, while kids dance in a manner that 15-year-olds in 1998 totally didn't. Noel from Felicity looks like an idiot. Pacey shows up to make Ms. Jacobs uncomfortable some more. She so loves the attention. She can't lie to me.

Dawson and Joey enter. Dawson's sweater-vest looks ridiculous, but it amuses me that he made an effort to get a little dressed up for this debacle. He drags Joey onto the dance floor just as Savage Garden ends and a slow song begins! Oh, the humanity! They hold each other close and sort of have a moment, but then Cliff and Jen dance up next to them. "You into movies?" Cliff asks Dawson. "I dab," he replies. Shut up, Doucheson.

Dawson bounds out of the gym after Jen, who probably legitimately has to pee. Dawson awkwardly gets pissy that Jen's on a date with Cliff, then tries to follow her into the ladies' room. Idiot.

Later, he sits at a table with Joey and stares at Cliff and Jen. What a tool. Then he says some tool-like things; I don't know; I stopped listening. I believe the word "primal" was utilized, possibly in the wrong context.

"It's like the way I feel about you," says Dawson to Joey about his feelings for Jen. The "except I don't want to bone YOU. Yuck," is unspoken.

Joey, sensibly, peaces out. Dawson pouts at the table alone until Jen and Cliff start dancing again. "It's time for a rewrite," he says to no one, before actually tapping Cliff on the shoulder and saying the words, "Excuse me. I'd like to cut in." Who says this shit? "I'd like to ask you to manly step aside so that I may have a moment with the object of my desire." Jesus Christ. I need a drink. Maybe some spiked punch.

Joey and Dawson and Pacey skulk away from the dance, defeated. Dawson blames Joey for his failure, then whines about how "at this moment, Jen's lips are probably pressing against Cliff's."

The Worst Cheater In The World massages Mitch's shoulders after bringing him leftovers, presumably from her date with her lovah. Then they make out a little. Ugh, Gail, how could you do this to Mitch? What a ho.

Pacey stumbles along the pier, where Ms. Jacobs is standing again, looking out at the water. Does she have a home? Why does she just stand around the dock all the time? "What I did was deadly wrong," she says. Deadly. She's apologizing to the 15-year-old boy she made out with, alone in the dark at the pier. Gazing into his eyes, batting her lashes. As she "walks away," all Pacey has to do is gently pull her arm to him before they're making out again. What a ho. So many hoes.

Dawson whines about how he and Jen are "officially over." Shut up, Doucheson. "You're such a sphincter," says Joey to Dawson. Voice of reason? I knew I liked her this season.

Jen buys salt water taffy by the pier, because apparently that's where all the ladies hang out. Dawson spies her and interrupts her taffy eating. They have a conversation fraught with drama. "I feel like I'm becoming the friend you come over and tell all your boy adventures to. I don't want that to be the case. I want to be your boy adventure." That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. Also, Dawson looks 40. Boy adventure? Now that he's badgered Jen enough, she sighs and tells him she's interested in him. In that way. That's always the way to go: pester girls until they're so broken down that they feel like the only way to get you to shut up is to go out with you. Ugh. They dance to no music on the pier. He looks satisfied; she looks like a trapped animal. Joey lurks under a streetlamp-- she lurks a lot in this episode-- and pouts about how Doucheson doesn't want her. It's okay, Joey. You get to date somebody way better in a couple seasons.

Whew. That was a rough one, with all the whining and lurking and pouting. Isn't the Breakfast Club episode coming up soon? Let's hope.

The Pilot

I pull out my admittedly well-worn season one DVD set. The artwork on the box and on the DVD menus prominently features Dawson about to plant a wet one on Joey. Excuse me, but SPOILER ALERT. That's almost as bad as the old WB promos that would spoil entire episodes.

The pilot begins with Dawson douching it up about Spielberg, as so many episodes do. This is the first sign. We should have all run for the hills.

Joey has decided that, at 15, they're too old to sleep over with each other. "You have genetalia!" she says. Do these kids have parents? We see Mitch and Gail an awful lot, but are they really cool with all these sleepovers? Also, at 15 (despite having the appearance of a 28 year old), has Dawson not yet hit puberty? He acts like he's bewildered by the idea that a guy and a girl sleeping in the same bed is a little weird. "We're friends, okay? No matter how much body hair we acquire?" he whines. Hmm.

Now for the opening credits-- attractive "teenagers" cavorting around the pier, the woods, etc., while ambient natural light makes them look even more attractive.

Onto the set of Dawson's monster movie. All his movies throughout the series look so atrocious. We're told repeatedly that he's soooo mega-talented, and he wins filmmaking awards and shit, but this monster movie? Really? A sea monster played by Pacey? Really? I don't know about all that.

The innocent Jen Lindley appears in her yellow sundress. She lacks any of the personality traits she has later in the series-- she's not sarcastic or snarky at all. Just all, "hey, look how soft and pretty and feminine I am." Even her voice is higher and more girly. It's like they rewrote her character whenever they saw fit, which is actually probably exactly what they did.

As an aside, Pacey is the most appealing and attractive character, even in season one.

Dawson feigns disgust at his parents' sex life ("Mr. Man Meat," Gail calls Mitch), and it's weird seeing him act like they're his parents, since he looks to be about the same age as him. Dude is OLD.

Joey's sister Bessie is pregnant with her black boyfriend's baby. How scandalous.

"If your dad is Mr. Man Meat, does that make you Mr. Man Meat, Jr. or Mr. Man Meat the II?" Oh Pacey.

Tertiary characters like Nellie Olsen (did you even remember her?) are so thinly written and even more thinly acted in this season. Maybe that's true throughout the series, but this character is particularly abrasive. Was the actress the BFF of Rina Mimoun or something?

Tamara Jacobs basically wears her negligee into the video store. Then asks for "vintage romance." The Graduate, specifically. "Where the older woman Anne Bancroft seduces the younger man Dustin Hoffman?" she explains. What a ho.

Dawson lures Jen into his bedroom, where she sees the walls covered in Spielberg posters. "I pretty much worship the man in a god-like way, yeah." Whatever, Doucheson.

"Are you familiar with obsessive reality disorder?" asks Jen. I'm not, and neither are you, because she just made that up.

Joey scales the ladder up to Dawson's bedroom. Who didn't want a ladder into their best friend's window at 12 years old? Sneaking around, even if it's parentally sanctioned, is always appealing to kids. I'm sure many suburban teenagers throughout America stole this idea in 1998. Anyway, Dawson and Joey are in his room, and he rewinds the tape of his mom's news broadcast to analyze if she's cheating with her co-anchor. Why did he videotape her show to begin with? For this purpose? He's kind of an oddball, that Dawson.

Over at Jen's house, Grams is being judgy. Grams is another character who's totally rewritten later in the series. In this season, she's all backwoods Christian lady, with her wild hair and wild eyes and wild disapproval. She even has a light southern lilt in her voice that disappears later. Something can be said for character development, of course, but this is more like-- hey, these stock characters work for our story now, and then later, they don't, so let's change them. Oh, writers. In any case, Grams tries to convince Jen to accompany her to church, to which Jen replies, "I don't covet a religious God, Grams, I'm an atheist." Jen, you're 15. You don't know what an atheist is. Shut up.

Chumba Wumba on the soundtrack. Yes, that song. Really? Hmm.

We discover that Ms. Jacobs is Pacey's English teacher. Heh. She was totally trolling for some young virile boys at the video store and now she has to teach him. Awkward.

Meanwhile in another classroom, Dawson is trying to talk his way into the no-sophomores-allowed film class. He correctly identifies the film Psycho. "You know the film?" asks Mr. Gold, impressed. Is it that shocking? It's Psycho. They try to show Dawson's talent and enthusiasm by having him know who stars in Psycho? "Movies are my life," he says. Ugh. Shut up, Doucheson.

Dawson asks Jen to help with the writing of his screenplay. "Would you mind taking a look at act III? I'm having a climax issue." Heh. I love all the innuendos that got past my parents. Though truthfully, they got past me at age 12, too.

James Van Der Beek obviously uses a higher pitched voice at this point in the show. Apparently that's the extent of acting that he can do to make himself not look 40. It doesn't work very well.

"What is up with the sex? It's all anybody thinks about anymore! Sex sex sex! What's the big deal?" Shut up, Dawson. You're FIFTEEN.

Bessie gives tomboy Joey lipstick and advice. A little cliched, but a nice coming-of-age kind of moment. See?? It's not all bad!

Dawson and Pacey and Joey and Jen go to the movies. A sort-of double date. Jen and Joey snap at each other ("I love your hair color; what number is that?" Heh). Incidentally, the movie they're seeing is Waiting For Guffman, which is rated R, so I'm unsure how the 15-year-olds got in. At the movie, Dawson tries to hold Jen's hand. Wipes his sweaty palm on his pants, hovers over it and then BAM, he's in. Joey pipes up with "Jen, you a size queen?" Ha. I remember how much I liked Joey back when she was a snarky bitch.

It's just so funny watching Dawson act all nervous and hormonal and fifteen when he is so clearly in the body of a middle-aged man.

Ms. Jacobs is at the movie, too, as she'd told Pacey she would be. "Pacey, you've got to understand, I was only renting a movie," she says. I beg to differ, Ms. Wears-Her-Nightie-To-The-Video-Store. You're a little transparent.

Later, Dawson and Jen talk after the movie debacle is over and Joey's gone off to sulk somewhere. "You're cool, without being obnoxious about it," says Jen to Dawson. False. He is obnoxious, without being cool about it. They should call the show Anybody Else's Creek.

Pacey encounters Ms. Jacobs on the pier, where she apparently just hangs out by herself at night waiting for her strapping young male students. Then Pacey utters the best line of the episode: "Let me tell you something: you blew it lady, because I'm the best sex you'll never have." This kind of thing tiptoes the line between cheesy and awesome, and okay, yeah, kind of falls over onto the cheesy side. But I still love it. Then: "You're wrong about one thing, Pacey. You're not a boy," says Ms. Jacobs. They kiss passionately. She pulls away and runs. This lady is cracked.

Now, back in Dawson's bedroom, Dawson and Joey have their weekly discussion about their relationship. "I'm sorry I was such an insensitive male. I thought I was above it." Shut up, Doucheson. Take your giant forehead and your lion's mane of wavy hair and leave. "It's all so complicated!" whines Doucheson. Is it really? You're 15. Maybe you should stop spooning at night.

Dawson is too embarrassed to tell Joey how often he walks his dog. "They have a dog??" thought 12-year-old me. She sighs and climbs out the window, waiting 'til she's down the ladder for the tears to fall. Into the boat she goes. Dawson apparently only just now realizes what she meant and runs to the window. "Joey!" She looks up, shocked. "Usually in the morning! With Katie Couric!" Her face breaks into a huge smile. "Katie Couric walks the Leery family dog?" thought 12-year-old me.

And Joey sees Mrs. Leery kissing her co-anchor, who apparently just dropped her off. What a terrible cheater. Right outside her house? Idiot. They're all idiots.

And scene. That was the pilot. Remember it? It simultaneously gets better and worse from here on out. Let the games begin.