Dance

We've survived the pilot and we're onto episode two of season one, the cleverly titled "Dance." It begins with more of Dawson's terrible movie. This time he and Joey are watching his dailies. It's so clear how horrid it is. I mean, it looks like a movie a 15-year-old shot on a camcorder, which it is, but it's beaten into our heads how talented this douchebag is. I don't see it.

"How enchanting to meet a strapping young man who doesn't have sex on the brain," says Dawson, trying to convince Joey that Jen would have any reason to go for him over, say, any other guy ever. Then: "Jen happens to be a bright, intelligent young woman who is clearly in control of her own body." Dawson sounds like a grandmother.

Dawson is making a life-size model of Joey's head so he can behead her in the movie. It looks ridiculous. Oh, show.

Cue opening credits.

Dawson once again tries to whine his way into film class. "Study hall is too crowded! Can I sit in the back of your class and not participate?" He's like the same age as the teacher (mid-40's, I'd guess), which makes this exchange a little weird for me. Mr. Gold finally relents, and Dawson looks smug as usual.

Pacey is dead set on this Ms. Jacobs thing. Whispering in her ear about "the open-mouthed kiss" in her classroom while students stream in... he has a lot to learn about covert affairs. "We have nothing to discuss," says Ms. Jacobs. So hot and cold. Women. "Your tongue was in my mouth," Pacey stage-whispers as the rest of the class pretends not to hear. Ridiculous. I feel like I'll be saying that word a lot as I watch this show.

Ms. Jacobs lectures about Wuthering Heights in a glaringly obvious demonstration of subtext. "The whole thing was wrong. Never should've happened." Man, Dawson's Creek is so subtle. Pacey looks defeated.

Onto film class. Noel from Felicity plays the kind of jock who wears his letter jacket every day, like on Daria or Glee. For some reason he's in film class, though, and seems to be directing the class movie, "Helmets of Glory." I understand that the writers really want us to think that Dawson has talent, but apparently the only way they can do so is to make the rival movie look even worse than Dawson's. "Remember, this is autobiographical, so if anybody has any questions, I was there, I lived it. Come talk to me," says Noel from Felicity, whose name is also Cliff.

Cliff is shown asking out Jen. Dawson pouts as if life as he knows it is over. Incidentally, they always shoot Jen with this light behind her so her hair kind of glows, like a halo. It looks really silly.

Back at the Leery residence, Dawson awkwardly asks his dad for kissing advice. "I'm interested in technique," he says. Do teenage boys really ask their dad for kissing techniques? Dawson sits through Mitch's adorable Chapstick first kiss story, even though any real teenage boy would probably be made uncomfortable by hearing about his parents making out. We see Joey climb in the window upstairs, where she then sneaks to the balcony and watches these events unfold. The awkwardness compounds as Mitch suggests Dawson practice kissing on the fake Joey head. AND HE DOES IT. "Dad, this is ridiculous!" says Dawson. Uh, you're telling me! And yet he closes his eyes and pulls in Fake!Joey for some tonsil hockey. Joey from upstairs closes her own eyes and pretends she's kissing Dawson instead of thinking what she SHOULD be thinking, which is "OMGWTF is he doing? This is mega-creepy."

The Worst Cheater In The World, aka Gail Leery, has dragged the corded phone into the closet and is stage-whispering to her lovah. Joey uses her astute powers of deduction to follow the cord from the hall table and figures out that Gail's in there. Keep in mind, Joey saw Gail kissing her lovah at his car at the end of the pilot. "Mrs. Leery? I know," says Joey, with disapproving eyes. The Worst Cheater In The World is somehow surprised.

More of Dawson's sea-monster movie. Joey gets her head whacked off, and thus is covered in fake blood. Into the screened in porch she goes, where Jen offers to help with the blood. "Ooh, it looks like it's really stuck on there, isn't it?" she says, as she dabs Joey's bosom with a towel. Then: "You have nice breasts." OH, THE SHOCK. Parental groups are freaking out as we speak.

Pacey kisses Jen on camera, lingering a little bit longer than Dawson seems comfortable with. "Are you okay?? Did he hurt you??" Dawson freaks out, before cutting the kiss from the film entirely. What a whiner. She probably doesn't want to kiss you, anyway, Doucheson.

Dawson has planned a movie night instead of the school dance, because obviously his gross unpopularity means he can't show his face at a social event. Jen rejects him in favor of dancing awkwardly with the school quarterback/Dawson's film class rival/Noel from Felicity. Dawson later paces in his room, cursing Cliff Elliott's name. "I don't think his cinematic prowess is the attraction, Dawson," says Joey, who is really on point in this episode. He flops back on his bed while making the noise of a strangled cat. Shut up, Doucheson.

Off to the dance to awkwardly break up Jen and Cliff! That's a good move, Dawson. "This is so pathetic, Dawson," points out Joey. I KNOW, RIGHT?

The Worst Cheater In The World kisses Mitch goodbye while on her way to meet with her lovah. Joey schools her. "Your actions affect others." Dawson comes downstairs and more awkwardness ensues. Joey gives Gail a Meaningful Look before leaving for the dance. Dawson smiles obliviously.

Savage Garden plays in the school gym, while kids dance in a manner that 15-year-olds in 1998 totally didn't. Noel from Felicity looks like an idiot. Pacey shows up to make Ms. Jacobs uncomfortable some more. She so loves the attention. She can't lie to me.

Dawson and Joey enter. Dawson's sweater-vest looks ridiculous, but it amuses me that he made an effort to get a little dressed up for this debacle. He drags Joey onto the dance floor just as Savage Garden ends and a slow song begins! Oh, the humanity! They hold each other close and sort of have a moment, but then Cliff and Jen dance up next to them. "You into movies?" Cliff asks Dawson. "I dab," he replies. Shut up, Doucheson.

Dawson bounds out of the gym after Jen, who probably legitimately has to pee. Dawson awkwardly gets pissy that Jen's on a date with Cliff, then tries to follow her into the ladies' room. Idiot.

Later, he sits at a table with Joey and stares at Cliff and Jen. What a tool. Then he says some tool-like things; I don't know; I stopped listening. I believe the word "primal" was utilized, possibly in the wrong context.

"It's like the way I feel about you," says Dawson to Joey about his feelings for Jen. The "except I don't want to bone YOU. Yuck," is unspoken.

Joey, sensibly, peaces out. Dawson pouts at the table alone until Jen and Cliff start dancing again. "It's time for a rewrite," he says to no one, before actually tapping Cliff on the shoulder and saying the words, "Excuse me. I'd like to cut in." Who says this shit? "I'd like to ask you to manly step aside so that I may have a moment with the object of my desire." Jesus Christ. I need a drink. Maybe some spiked punch.

Joey and Dawson and Pacey skulk away from the dance, defeated. Dawson blames Joey for his failure, then whines about how "at this moment, Jen's lips are probably pressing against Cliff's."

The Worst Cheater In The World massages Mitch's shoulders after bringing him leftovers, presumably from her date with her lovah. Then they make out a little. Ugh, Gail, how could you do this to Mitch? What a ho.

Pacey stumbles along the pier, where Ms. Jacobs is standing again, looking out at the water. Does she have a home? Why does she just stand around the dock all the time? "What I did was deadly wrong," she says. Deadly. She's apologizing to the 15-year-old boy she made out with, alone in the dark at the pier. Gazing into his eyes, batting her lashes. As she "walks away," all Pacey has to do is gently pull her arm to him before they're making out again. What a ho. So many hoes.

Dawson whines about how he and Jen are "officially over." Shut up, Doucheson. "You're such a sphincter," says Joey to Dawson. Voice of reason? I knew I liked her this season.

Jen buys salt water taffy by the pier, because apparently that's where all the ladies hang out. Dawson spies her and interrupts her taffy eating. They have a conversation fraught with drama. "I feel like I'm becoming the friend you come over and tell all your boy adventures to. I don't want that to be the case. I want to be your boy adventure." That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life. Also, Dawson looks 40. Boy adventure? Now that he's badgered Jen enough, she sighs and tells him she's interested in him. In that way. That's always the way to go: pester girls until they're so broken down that they feel like the only way to get you to shut up is to go out with you. Ugh. They dance to no music on the pier. He looks satisfied; she looks like a trapped animal. Joey lurks under a streetlamp-- she lurks a lot in this episode-- and pouts about how Doucheson doesn't want her. It's okay, Joey. You get to date somebody way better in a couple seasons.

Whew. That was a rough one, with all the whining and lurking and pouting. Isn't the Breakfast Club episode coming up soon? Let's hope.