The Pilot

I pull out my admittedly well-worn season one DVD set. The artwork on the box and on the DVD menus prominently features Dawson about to plant a wet one on Joey. Excuse me, but SPOILER ALERT. That's almost as bad as the old WB promos that would spoil entire episodes.

The pilot begins with Dawson douching it up about Spielberg, as so many episodes do. This is the first sign. We should have all run for the hills.

Joey has decided that, at 15, they're too old to sleep over with each other. "You have genetalia!" she says. Do these kids have parents? We see Mitch and Gail an awful lot, but are they really cool with all these sleepovers? Also, at 15 (despite having the appearance of a 28 year old), has Dawson not yet hit puberty? He acts like he's bewildered by the idea that a guy and a girl sleeping in the same bed is a little weird. "We're friends, okay? No matter how much body hair we acquire?" he whines. Hmm.

Now for the opening credits-- attractive "teenagers" cavorting around the pier, the woods, etc., while ambient natural light makes them look even more attractive.

Onto the set of Dawson's monster movie. All his movies throughout the series look so atrocious. We're told repeatedly that he's soooo mega-talented, and he wins filmmaking awards and shit, but this monster movie? Really? A sea monster played by Pacey? Really? I don't know about all that.

The innocent Jen Lindley appears in her yellow sundress. She lacks any of the personality traits she has later in the series-- she's not sarcastic or snarky at all. Just all, "hey, look how soft and pretty and feminine I am." Even her voice is higher and more girly. It's like they rewrote her character whenever they saw fit, which is actually probably exactly what they did.

As an aside, Pacey is the most appealing and attractive character, even in season one.

Dawson feigns disgust at his parents' sex life ("Mr. Man Meat," Gail calls Mitch), and it's weird seeing him act like they're his parents, since he looks to be about the same age as him. Dude is OLD.

Joey's sister Bessie is pregnant with her black boyfriend's baby. How scandalous.

"If your dad is Mr. Man Meat, does that make you Mr. Man Meat, Jr. or Mr. Man Meat the II?" Oh Pacey.

Tertiary characters like Nellie Olsen (did you even remember her?) are so thinly written and even more thinly acted in this season. Maybe that's true throughout the series, but this character is particularly abrasive. Was the actress the BFF of Rina Mimoun or something?

Tamara Jacobs basically wears her negligee into the video store. Then asks for "vintage romance." The Graduate, specifically. "Where the older woman Anne Bancroft seduces the younger man Dustin Hoffman?" she explains. What a ho.

Dawson lures Jen into his bedroom, where she sees the walls covered in Spielberg posters. "I pretty much worship the man in a god-like way, yeah." Whatever, Doucheson.

"Are you familiar with obsessive reality disorder?" asks Jen. I'm not, and neither are you, because she just made that up.

Joey scales the ladder up to Dawson's bedroom. Who didn't want a ladder into their best friend's window at 12 years old? Sneaking around, even if it's parentally sanctioned, is always appealing to kids. I'm sure many suburban teenagers throughout America stole this idea in 1998. Anyway, Dawson and Joey are in his room, and he rewinds the tape of his mom's news broadcast to analyze if she's cheating with her co-anchor. Why did he videotape her show to begin with? For this purpose? He's kind of an oddball, that Dawson.

Over at Jen's house, Grams is being judgy. Grams is another character who's totally rewritten later in the series. In this season, she's all backwoods Christian lady, with her wild hair and wild eyes and wild disapproval. She even has a light southern lilt in her voice that disappears later. Something can be said for character development, of course, but this is more like-- hey, these stock characters work for our story now, and then later, they don't, so let's change them. Oh, writers. In any case, Grams tries to convince Jen to accompany her to church, to which Jen replies, "I don't covet a religious God, Grams, I'm an atheist." Jen, you're 15. You don't know what an atheist is. Shut up.

Chumba Wumba on the soundtrack. Yes, that song. Really? Hmm.

We discover that Ms. Jacobs is Pacey's English teacher. Heh. She was totally trolling for some young virile boys at the video store and now she has to teach him. Awkward.

Meanwhile in another classroom, Dawson is trying to talk his way into the no-sophomores-allowed film class. He correctly identifies the film Psycho. "You know the film?" asks Mr. Gold, impressed. Is it that shocking? It's Psycho. They try to show Dawson's talent and enthusiasm by having him know who stars in Psycho? "Movies are my life," he says. Ugh. Shut up, Doucheson.

Dawson asks Jen to help with the writing of his screenplay. "Would you mind taking a look at act III? I'm having a climax issue." Heh. I love all the innuendos that got past my parents. Though truthfully, they got past me at age 12, too.

James Van Der Beek obviously uses a higher pitched voice at this point in the show. Apparently that's the extent of acting that he can do to make himself not look 40. It doesn't work very well.

"What is up with the sex? It's all anybody thinks about anymore! Sex sex sex! What's the big deal?" Shut up, Dawson. You're FIFTEEN.

Bessie gives tomboy Joey lipstick and advice. A little cliched, but a nice coming-of-age kind of moment. See?? It's not all bad!

Dawson and Pacey and Joey and Jen go to the movies. A sort-of double date. Jen and Joey snap at each other ("I love your hair color; what number is that?" Heh). Incidentally, the movie they're seeing is Waiting For Guffman, which is rated R, so I'm unsure how the 15-year-olds got in. At the movie, Dawson tries to hold Jen's hand. Wipes his sweaty palm on his pants, hovers over it and then BAM, he's in. Joey pipes up with "Jen, you a size queen?" Ha. I remember how much I liked Joey back when she was a snarky bitch.

It's just so funny watching Dawson act all nervous and hormonal and fifteen when he is so clearly in the body of a middle-aged man.

Ms. Jacobs is at the movie, too, as she'd told Pacey she would be. "Pacey, you've got to understand, I was only renting a movie," she says. I beg to differ, Ms. Wears-Her-Nightie-To-The-Video-Store. You're a little transparent.

Later, Dawson and Jen talk after the movie debacle is over and Joey's gone off to sulk somewhere. "You're cool, without being obnoxious about it," says Jen to Dawson. False. He is obnoxious, without being cool about it. They should call the show Anybody Else's Creek.

Pacey encounters Ms. Jacobs on the pier, where she apparently just hangs out by herself at night waiting for her strapping young male students. Then Pacey utters the best line of the episode: "Let me tell you something: you blew it lady, because I'm the best sex you'll never have." This kind of thing tiptoes the line between cheesy and awesome, and okay, yeah, kind of falls over onto the cheesy side. But I still love it. Then: "You're wrong about one thing, Pacey. You're not a boy," says Ms. Jacobs. They kiss passionately. She pulls away and runs. This lady is cracked.

Now, back in Dawson's bedroom, Dawson and Joey have their weekly discussion about their relationship. "I'm sorry I was such an insensitive male. I thought I was above it." Shut up, Doucheson. Take your giant forehead and your lion's mane of wavy hair and leave. "It's all so complicated!" whines Doucheson. Is it really? You're 15. Maybe you should stop spooning at night.

Dawson is too embarrassed to tell Joey how often he walks his dog. "They have a dog??" thought 12-year-old me. She sighs and climbs out the window, waiting 'til she's down the ladder for the tears to fall. Into the boat she goes. Dawson apparently only just now realizes what she meant and runs to the window. "Joey!" She looks up, shocked. "Usually in the morning! With Katie Couric!" Her face breaks into a huge smile. "Katie Couric walks the Leery family dog?" thought 12-year-old me.

And Joey sees Mrs. Leery kissing her co-anchor, who apparently just dropped her off. What a terrible cheater. Right outside her house? Idiot. They're all idiots.

And scene. That was the pilot. Remember it? It simultaneously gets better and worse from here on out. Let the games begin.