Kiss

As a sidenote, I don't know whether to be extra lenient or extra hard on this episode since my minutes-ago discovery that it was written by Rob Thomas, the genius behind Veronica Mars and most recently, Party Down. The things you learn from Wikipedia.

The third episode of the season opens with Dawson and Joey watching From Here To Eternity on his bed. "This is my future with Jen." Ugh. "Just kiss her, will you?" grouses Joey. I think I'm beginning to like this girl. She's the voice of the audience. Incidentally, Joey is wearing some total mom-jeans in this scene. Oh, 1998.

Cue credits. I don't want to wait. Incidentally, Joshua Jackson is so adorable, both then and now.

In Film Class, Dawson sits silently in the back. The morons in the class brainstorm about their movie, "Helmets of Glory." They don't have an ending, or something. Noel from Felicity presides over the meeting. Dawson can't help but pipe up from the back, "Guys, guys!" And yeah, his ideas make more sense than the rest of the idiots', but that's only because their ideas are SO stupid. That's the only way the writers can make Dawson seem intelligent and talented.

Ms. Jacobs makes up an excuse to get Pacey alone in her classroom. Sure, he got a 23 on a test; I believe you, Ms. Jacobs. Or shall I call you Tamara? The test is on Ethan Frome. I loved English class, and I still couldn't get through Ethan Frome. I don't blame you, Pacey. He tells her that he failed on purpose so she'd tutor him. "I need a slavedriver. Somebody with a whip, maybe?" She pretends to be offended four about three seconds, then agrees to meet with him for a little one-on-one tutoring after school. Yikes.

The beautiful coast of North Caroli-- I mean, Massachusetts. This is our first glimpse at the S.S. Icehouse, the restaurant the Potters own. Joey's waiting tables while Dawson babbles about his "big break" to Pacey. The film class kids relented and are finally letting him help out. Whatever, Dawson. Joey tries to take their order and Pacey asks for something "sexy"-- oysters, he decides, to apparently help turn HIM on for his study date with Ms. Jacobs.

A preppy guy who I guess could maybe pass for cute walks in and Joey's totally checking him out. Ow ow, girl, get you some.

Back at school, Dawson is in charge of polishing the helmets or something for the movie. Jen, in full cheerleader garb, shows up-- apparently she's an extra. "But Jen, you're supposed to be in MY movie!" Ugh. Dawson sighs, and his five o'clock shadow grows a little bit more.

Back in a classroom, apparently the study session consists of Pacey reading Ethan Frome to himself next to Ms. Jacobs' desk. I'm sure that's both necessary and helpful. She offers him "positive reinforcement." What a ho.

Joey is taking out the trash behind the restaurant and hears a violin being played. Oh look, it's the preppy guy from earlier, playing on the deck of his boat. Ridiculous. But whatever, it's better than Joey pining for Dawson, so I'm in. Joey and the preppy guy, whose name turns out to be Anderson Crawford (aka Accounting Firm), banter a little. She hides her server apron, and he thinks she's summering in Capeside or something even though it's the school year and he's clearly supposed to be around her age. He invites her to go sailing with him, and because apparently the past five minutes have convinced her that he couldn't possibly be an axe-murderer (always a concern), she agrees. He asks her name, and she flashes back to From Here To Eternity: "Deborah Carr--son. Deborah Carson." (George...Glass! George Glass! Oh, Jan Brady.)

Ms. Jacobs quizzes Pacey on Ethan Frome. I keep expecting them to break out into strip tutoring at any moment.

Dawson snarks bitterly to himself as he does manual labor on the movie set. He gets yelled at by Nellie Olsen, the worst actress in history. It's good stuff.

Pacey asks Ms. Jacobs for a reward. "It's late. There's no janitor, no film crew," he cajoles. Uh, yes there is, Pacey. See the previous scene. Ms. Jacobs pretends to call his bluff. "You're right. Let's do it." She totally wants it for real, though. He gets all squeaky-voiced and she starts to unbutton her blouse. "What, is this your first time, Pacey?" He looks all ashamed: "You know that it is." No shit. You're 15. This snaps her out of it. "This is beyond wrong." It used to be deadly wrong. It's getting righter by the episode.

Joey shows up on Accounting Firm's yacht, wearing lipstick (like Bessie taught her how-- continuity!). She continues to spin her web of lies, claiming to have gone to or go to Choate in Manhattan, then helps him untie knots on the boat. "I didn't know you sailed," he remarks. No shit, dude, you met this girl five seconds ago. Also, she's full of shit.

Joey and Accounting Firm play Frisbee on the deserted beach where Accounting Firm has taken her to presumably kill her and hide the body. He tells her she acts like she has a boyfriend, then brings up the fact that he only likes honest chicks and kills and eats liars. Joey looks nervous.

"Helmets of Glory" looks so freaking bad. The kids shooting it can't figure out how to do a tracking shot, and won't let Dawson get a word in even though he has a better idea. He pouts for awhile.

Accounting Firm winds up on top of Joey at the beach, but she turns away when he leans in for a kiss. She's probably thinking that his forehead isn't large enough for her tastes. Then she throws a Frisbee at his sandcastle to really ruin his afternoon.

Back on the film set, Dawson finally convinces Noel from Felicity to let him shoot the tracking shot. He sits in a wheelchair that was on the football field for no recognizable reason and the shot looks passable, so everybody applauds him and Dawson is redeemed. Hmm.

Joey skips happily around the Icehouse. Dawson orders food for both himself and Jen, and Jen says, "Shut it, bitch; I can order my own food, and I didn't even want a damn turkey club." Just kidding; she smiles and giggles and asks for no mayo on hers. Oh snap, Accounting Firm shows up, so Joey has to sit on the other side of the bar and pretend she's Deborah Carson. "Who's Deborah?" asks Dense Dawson. "We don't think of her as Deborah. She's just Deb to us," interjects Jen. At least somebody's not a moron.

Pacey is wheeling the chair back into the school (how did he get a hold of it? He didn't even know they were filming that night), and sees Ms. Jacobs bonding with Mr. Gold, talking about Barbara Streisand movies. Jealousy isn't a good color on Pacey. He lurks around the corner 'til she comes out of the classroom, then confronts her. "I know what you do with your students, so I guess he's in for one heck of a ride." Heh. That's kind of douchey, Pacey.

Dawson and Jen are going to shoot the end of the Dawson's shitty movie at The Ruins. They're trespassing, evidently, which I guess is worth it to them even though the only thing they're trying to shoot is one shot of Jen looking pensive. It's literally like a four second shot. "Cut! And print!" Dawson says to no one. Then he tries to kiss her. She notices that the camera is still rolling, and all he can say is "Um." Heh.

Joey follows the sound of Accounting Firm's violin to his boat again. He's pleased to see her, probably because he doesn't know she's a lying liar. He says his family is leaving, but they visit New York and he could come see her. She name drops a restaurant that doesn't exist or something, and despite the fact that you can read on his face that he now knows that everything about her is an elaborate lie, he gives her his number. They kiss, which is good, because it's always good for Joey to get some when it's not from Dawson.

Cut to Jen yelling at Dawson for trying to videotape him macking on her. He whines about trying to create a perfect moment or something, which really doesn't explain why he was trying to videotape it. "I'm afraid if I don't kiss you soon, I'm gonna explode." Shut up, Doucheson.

Jen and Dawson hear a car pull up, and since they're trespassing, they run and hide. Dawson leaves the video camera rolling, of course, for plot purposes. Meredith Brooks "What Would Happen If We Kissed" plays on the hit-you-over-the-head-with-an-anvil soundtrack while Dawson and Jen make out underneath some mossy growth. On the other side of the ruins, we see the feed from the video camera-- and we're shocked! It's Pacey and Ms. Jacobs. Doing it. Then cuddling after. Shit just got real.