Double Date

Dawson paces his room, lamenting how ever since he and Jen broke up, he and Jen have been broken up. Joey listens from the bed, somehow managing to keep from rolling her eyes. How does she put up with this kid? And even more, how does she have feelings for this kid? (Sorry-- for this 40-year-old man.) She lays it all out for him: "You can't live in the past. You have to start preparing for life after Jen." You want him to hop on the Joey train, eh, Jo? Ew.

Credits! "Open up your morning light, and say a little prayer for I." Paula Cole, what does that mean? Explain yourself.

Leery residence. Gail gets a phone call. From her lovah! It's about work, but Mitch is displeased. Gail is wearing the shortest skirt suit I've ever seen, and I watched Ally McBeal back in the day, so that's saying something.

At school, Dawson and Jen awkwardly talk in the hallway. Then they awkwardly talk about how it's awkward. Let's be friends, she says. Awkward awkward awkward.

Pacey and Dawson discuss these developments in science class. "What serves your purpose here is to let her know that you're completely over her. She's yesterday's news," says sage Pacey. He has a plan. Some girl interrupts their conversation to make small talk with Dawson, a girl we've never seen before but is apparently a friend of his, and then the teacher tells Pacey to see him after class about a failed exam. Uh oh. Get it together, Pace. You can't just be a pretty face.

After class, he meets with the teacher. He got a 32 on the midterm! How is that possible? The teacher offers to pass Pacey if he does an extracurricular assignment with another student. Aaaand in walks Joey! They are not pleased to be paired together. Joey and Pacey's level of hatred for each other changes almost every episode. Didn't they just go to a party together the other day, when Leather Jacket was in town?

Dawson decides to put Pacey's evil plan in action-- he tells Jen at her locker that he would love to be her friend. He's wearing the creepiest, fake calm expression on his face as he reassures her that it's okay to tell him about her weekend plans. She has a date with Noel from Felicity. To the town carnival. Didn't she dump his ass last episode? Robot Dawson pauses, reboots, and tells her he also has a date for the weekend. And it is also to the carnival. Will coincidences never cease?? His robot-like serenity persists as he suggests they double date. And she, in her infinite wisdom, agrees to this absurd idea. The only thing weirder than going on a second date with a guy with your ex-boyfriend is going on a first date with a guy to your ex-boyfriend's house. Clearly Jen has suffered some sort of a stroke in this scene that causes her to respond in the affirmative to any suggestion, no matter how atrocious. There's no other explanation.

Pacey reassures Dawson at lunchtime that this all fits into the plan, Operation Get Jen Back. He has to date other women, so she can see him with other women. The problem I see with this, Pacey, is the ludicrous idea that any other women would want to date Dawson. They seem to think this won't be an issue, so Pacey shoos Dawson off to ask out Mary Beth, the girl who made small talk with him in science class. She's all, "I ain't your rebound, bitch!" And he's all, "Bitch please, I'm over that ho." So she says yes.

That night at the Leery house, Mitch awkwardly interrogates Dawson, asking if any phone calls he "should know about" have come in. Dawson is obtuse until Mitch hits him over the head with it, and then he tells him, no, he didn't call. Poor Mitch.

The next day in the science lab, Pacey and Joey arrive to find that the snails whose mating habits they were supposed to be observing are now dead. Evidently Pacey was supposed to check on them the night before. He did, he says! The snails didn't seem into each other, he tells her. "Maybe snails are just like guys," he suggests. "Maybe their ultimate fantasy is to be with two snails at the same time." So he put all the snails in the aquarium together, hoping to facilitate one big snail orgy. Only one problem. One of the snails involved was carnivorous and ate all the others. So no more snails! Hopefully they got in the orgy before the cannibalism part began.

Later, Joey criticizes Dawson for leading Mary Beth on. He's all, "I know, I'm terrible, she has a crush on me though and I'm gonna do it anyway!" Joey suggests he call it off, tell Mary Beth he has to "...stay in to... wash your hair, or something." Ha! That would take him all night! He says he knows that he should cancel, but secretly he really thinks it's a good idea. "You're taking romantic advice from a guy who spent his evening trying to get three snails to sleep with each other?" Joey asks. Touche. Joey tells him not to be a jerk, because he's "one of the good ones." They have a little moment, which is nice for them and uncomfortable for me, before Pacey comes to pick Joey up. It's snail hunting time!

But first, it's carnival time. Mary Beth meets Dawson there, and I think he should just ditch Jen and Noel and hang out with her, because the awkwardness of double dating with your ex might just be too much for me to bear. But they don't listen to me. Oh, and might I add that Mary Beth didn't KNOW this was a double date? She's smart enough to be able to tell he's still hung up on Jen, and that this is a bad idea. He denies it though, and the date continues. Besides Mary Beth, they're all idiots.

Where did the school get the snails to begin with? I doubt their science teacher rowed out to the middle of a marsh like they're doing to catch them. Oh, plot devices.

Dawson has convinced Mary Beth that the double date was Jen's idea, to make her more comfortable with Noel. All my ideas about how smart you were are out the window, MB. You're an idiot, too.

After catching some wild snails, Joey discovers Pacey didn't tie up their boat. There it goes! This is all very silly.

Back at the carnival, it's a pissing contest between Noel and Dawson. A pitching contest, actually-- they're trying to knock over milk bottles. I don't buy the idea that Dawson has even a little bit of athletic ability, and thus this scene makes little sense to me, because he wins. When the carnie hands over his prize, his first instinct is to hand it over to Jen. Awkward city. He tells Mary Beth they need to talk. Why did any of these people put themselves in this situation?

Joey and Pacey wade through the marsh to get to the boat, sniping at each other the whole time. They're soaking wet when they get to his truck, so he tells her to change into a blanket he has in the bed of the truck. They stand on either side and get naked. "No peeking," says Pacey. Once he's finished, he sits in the car and creepily watches her in the sideview mirror. I'm unsure if he can see much, but geez. Also, is getting naked under blankets really necessary? How far are they from home, and how cold is it outside? I don't think anyone's in danger of hypothermia here, but if they want an excuse to get Pacey shirtless, I won't really complain.

In the parking lot of the carnival, Dawson finds Mary Beth. She's embarrassed for some reason, even though it's totally Dawson who should feel bad. "You were right; I'm not over Jen," he admits. She tells him she never like liked him, and that at first she only agreed to the date because she felt bad for him. She's embarrassed because she likes Noel from Felicity! And is upset that he's into Jen! So it's the broken hearts' club out in the parking lot, as they gorge themselves on popcorn. Until Mary Beth gets an idea! Oh god.

Back into the carnival they go. The foursome wait in line for the ferris wheel, the pinnacle of any romantic trip to the fair. Jen has two stuffed animals to Mary Beth's one, and the one Mary Beth has is the one Dawson almost gave to Jen, so I think Jen wins. Once it's their turn, Mary Beth drags Noel from Felicity with her. "We've hardly chatted all night!" I'm sure literally yanking him away from his date will make him love you, MB. This, of course, leaves Dawson and Jen to more awkwardness ahead.

Back at the Potters', Pacey and Joey have changed out of their blankets and into dry clothes. He wants to know her midterm grade-- since his was a 32, and she has to work on the assignment with him, he assumes she bombed. She resists, then finally tells him-- she got a 98. She needs the extra credit, she says, so her grades will be as high as possible so she can get out of Capeside. I understand the sentiment, Jo, but there are schools that will take you even if your grades are only okay, and they're not all in Capeside.

Jen gives Dawson the cold shoulder on the ferris wheel, as he tries to act like everything's normal. But the ferris wheel stops! With them at the top! He asks her how her date's going. Way to make things worse, Doucheson. "You shouldn't be here! I don't know why you wanted to come; I don't know why I let you," she says. Me too! I don't know those things, either! He is all bitter about how she told him she wanted to be single when they broke up, and now she's dating Noel from Felicity. "You weren't tired of men, Jen, you were simply tired of me." She can't refute it. I can't fathom how uncomfortable this situation would be. He tells her the reason he came is because he's still hung up on her, and suggests that the reason she let him come is that she's still hung up on him. Um, no, Dawson, she had a stroke. Have some sensitivity.

Later, Dawson sulks at the carnival, alone on a bench. Pacey and Joey approach him, and he's glad to see them, since apparently even Mary Beth has ditched him. Pacey asks to talk to him in private, where he hems and haws for a few moments. He tells Dawson that while he and Joey have never liked each other, he's kind of come to like her today. "As a friend," inserts Dawson. At first, as a friend, Pacey tells him, but now he's kind of thinking otherwise. It's because he saw her semi-naked I guess. In any case, he wants to ask Dawson's permission to make a move. "You're my friend. Joey's my friend. I don't care who she kisses. And if it's you, so much the better. My two best friends, kissing. What could be better than that?" says Dawson. If I had a time machine that also could transport me into fictional worlds, I would print that statement out, then time travel a couple of season past this one and make Dawson eat his words. In any case, a moment later Dawson says he's not cool with it. But then a moment after that, he says he is.

Pacey and Joey return to the Potter residence. He's all nervous and cute and FAR superior to Dawson, so when he tries to kiss her and she leaps away, I kind of want to smack her a little bit. She shoots him down. Before he leaves, he asks her if, had she kissed him back, she would've been thinking of somebody else. We know who. She doesn't deny it. I sort of think she should go to jail for thinking of Dawson while kissing Pacey, so it's probably for the best that she didn't kiss him back. I don't think I would enjoy watching five more seasons of Joey in the state prison.

Dawson's lying on his bed, contemplating. He leaps up, and hurries to the video store, where Pacey's lounging behind the counter. "I figured you'd be here," he says. Why? Aren't they closed? Nobody is working there. Anyway, Dawson tells Pacey he thought about it and doesn't want him to kiss Joey. Get a grip, Dawson! Make up your damn mind. Pacey says they made out in the car and that she's cooking for him the following night. Dawson says he's full of it. Pacey says Dawson is, too. Thank you, Pacey! "You expend way too much time and energy on a girl you say is just a friend." Then: "Who's it gonna be? The blond, or the brunette?" The age-old question! (PS: Always the brunette.)

The answers, they're forthcoming! Only two episodes left in the season. I can't decide if season two will be harder to write about because it's kind of boring, or easier to write about because it's so, so ridiculous. Probably the latter. Let's face it.

The Scare

Okay, I want to preface this with the fact that in 7th grade, I found this episode to be really, really scary. In fact, I remember watching it at my friend Leigh Anne's house and hiding under blankets, and her 8-year-old brother was in the room with us and was so scared he cried. I think that's what happened. In any case, watch and read at your own risk, and make sure you have some blankets handy, because they will protect you.

Joey and Dawson are watching I Know What You Did Last Summer in his bedroom (oh yeah, he has stellar taste in movies). Joey spooks and he makes fun of her, then says that the movie rules. False, Dawson. They set up Dawson's love of scaring people, which we never saw prior to this episode or after, if I recall correctly, and the news show they put on when they stop the movie sets up the fact that a serial murderer called the Lady Killer is circling the area. It's because he kills ladies, see. It's clever.

Credits time. Credits party! Let's dance.

Pacey and Dawson walk the halls at school, and Pacey grills Dawson on what his big plans are for Friday the 13th. Apparently he always does something like dress up like Michael Myers. Or Mike Myers. It's unclear. He says he doesn't do that anymore because Jen dumped him and what's the point of going on? But then Pacey opens his locker and a glowing skull pops out to scare him. Hilarious!

Noel from Felicity has his sights set on Jen now that she's on the market again. He asks her on a date, and says she needs to date someone fun after Dawson. She defends him-- "he's probably the most original and imaginative date on the planet." Really? Where did you go on your dates, Jen? The movies? In any case, she agrees to go out with him. Behind all this, Joey discovers a rubber snake in her backpack: Dawson's handiwork. These pranks he's pulling, they're just so original and imaginative! I can't fathom this.

In the cafeteria, Pacey elucidates for the girls the MO of the Lady Killer. He steals their hearts, apparently. Literally. Pacey claims to have the inside information, through Deputy Doug, that the cops think Capeside will be his next target. Uh oh, ladies! Dawson come up and suggests a seance at his house to celebrate the creepy date. Jen says no because she's got a hot date, and Pacey almost eats a fake finger Dawson planted on his plate of fries. Ew. Jen is offended that she hasn't been scared yet.

In film class, Dawson sucks up. Or just answers a question correctly, but it seems like he's sucking up anyway. After class, Noel asks Dawson for Jen advice-- where to take her on their date? "You know Jen. What does she like?" This is an incredibly awkward situation, so piss off, Noel.

At her locker, Jen finds a card inside that says "You are going to DIE! Tonight!" She looks unsettled. Really? She figures that it was Dawson. Again, look what a clever and unpredictable prank he's pulled!

After school, she's in her house alone, when she gets a phone call. Kevin Williamson wrote Scream, so he probably just copy/pasted some of this stuff over. It's all "I can see you" kind of stuff, and Jen think it's Dawson at first but is easily convinced that it's not. She grabs a big knife from the kitchen and frantically looks around her house. "Whatever you do, Jennifer, don't look under the bed," the phone voice says, and while she's checking under her grandfather's bed, his hand falls down and scares her. "Where are you??" she keeps yelling. Grams comes home, groceries in hand, and startles Jen from behind, sending the big knife flailing. Unsafe. "Soon, Jennifer. Soon," says the phone voice one last time, before hanging up.

At Chez Leery, Joey is accusing Dawson of having more scares up his sleeve. No shit, he's been doing this stuff all night. They pile into Pacey's car to go to the store. Joey stays in the car because Pacey evidently hotwired it? That's weird. In the store, a woman and a man are having a big fight by the frozen goods. Pacey and Dawson naturally eavesdrop, and once the guy leaves, the woman approaches them. "Having a party?" she asks, because apparently that's what their empty shopping basket indicated. She steals a bottle of wine for them and goes to wait outside. Her teeth are wonky.

Meanwhile in the car, Joey is approached by a creepy dude. He asks her for directions and he's obviously the serial killer, because duh, he's a middle-aged white bespectacled man who's kind of serious and strange. He asks if she lives nearby, but Dawson and Pacey return and he leaves. Didn't we learn something from the Olaf debacle, Joey? Or the Warren one? Don't talk to strangers!

When the lady gives Pacey the wine, he says, "Cay-ber-net sah-vig-non, my favorite!" which amuses me. But then the angry dude she was fighting with comes back and attacks them all. This seems sensible, guys, let's get involved with the angry man and his crazy, klepto lady friend. Dawson and company have poor decision-making skills.

Grams sees Jen and Noel from Felicity off on their date. She is drooling over Noel-- she sees him every week at Capeside Wilderness Church of Jesus, she says, which impresses her. Then she goes inside, presumably to whittle something, and Noel tells Jen that they're going on their date to Dawson's. ARE YOU SERIOUS. Noel, you are a terrible next boyfriend.

The sensible kids brought the crazy lady home. This is going to end well. Jen accuses Dawson of calling her earlier, and he swears it wasn't him. She's freaked.

Crazy Lady is looking for something to open the wine with in the kitchen. "It's not cold, so we're going to have to add some ice," she says, before opening the freezer to discover a fake bloody head in the icemaker. They're going to put ice on red wine? Crazy people put ice in beverages that are not supposed to contain ice!

Dawson has one of those multicolored strobe lights set up on the seance table. So we can have a rave later! There are also fake skulls. Where did he get those? Maybe he's the Lady Killer. Speaking of the Lady Killer, Dawson tells everybody that he likes to stalk his victims, writing them notes and calling them. Jen got a call! She still thinks it was Dawson, though. Crazy Lady tells a story about a Crazy Lady who's Crazy. I seriously think these kids are crazy for inviting her back to the house. Then: the power goes out! I'm so shocked.

The electricity is out and the phones aren't working. They all disperse to lock doors, find flashlights, et cetera. Is it Dawson? Is it the Lady Killer? Is it Crazy Lady? "Your bizarre mother complex is going to get us all killed," says Joey to Pacey of Crazy Lady. True!

Jen and Noel are looking for flashlights, and find a mirror in the closet with "You're going to die tonight!" written in "blood." He suggests that the phone calls and everything are not, in fact, Dawson, but actually "a psychopath following you around trying to kill you." Way to reassure your new girl, Noel! Seriously, you're the worst rebound of all time.

Crazy Lady tells Dawson stories about her psycho boyfriend, how he's been in "the pen" and stuff. Then she calls Dawson out on being into Joey. He denies it, but she says he's dating the wrong girl. Ooh, foreshadowingish.

Dawson goes to look for Joey, and finds her in the closet-- she falls out, made up to look dead. Behind him comes a hooded figure with a knife and a mask-- he screams really weirdly before it's revealed to be Noel. He's unamused. It was Jen's idea, because she still thinks he called her and sent the notes. He denies it even more vehemently. "Then who did?" she demands. "The Lady Killer! I don't know!" he says. Seriously? These kids are bad at reassuring each other. Of course, instead of being fearful for her safety, she changes the subject. Why didn't he try to scare her? Does she mean nothing to him? Priorities, Lindley! Then they kiss a little bit. Then stop. This is weird.

The Psycho Dude is here! Yay! I guess he followed them after the store, and waited awhile to make himself known for plot purposes. Now he's known! He's breaking windows and stuff. He gets in and tries to choke Pacey (for stealing his woman) before Joey hits him over the head with a frying pan. He's not out yet though! Crazy Lady comes over to comfort him and they peace out. "These kids are weird!" she yells on her way out. Duh.

Noel from Felicity admits to Jen that he was the culprit behind the call and the notes. "Pretty cool, right?" She shoots him down, sends him packing. Maybe he shouldn't have taken her to her ex-boyfriend's house for their first date. He kisses her goodnight anyway, and Grams opens the door, interrupting, but is all "take your time!" and goes back inside. Oh, Grams.

It's pajama party time in Dawson's room! Joey is all insecure and fishing and asks if he'd be sad if she died for real. He says he'd be inconsolable. "What about me? Would you shed any tears if I died?" I mean, I know they're 15 and all confused about relationships, but come on. They're BFFs. Of course they'd be sad. Anyway, when Joey pulls down the covers she finds a bunch of little fake bugs, which she just shakes her head at but would make me rage. BUGS DO NOT BELONG IN BEDS. They turn on the TV and discover that the Lady Killer has been arrested! In Capeside! And it's the dude that it obviously was! Shock! Fear! Well, at least he didn't steal Joey's heart.

Roadtrip

I feel like that last one was really dull. I will try to be funnier henceforth. I do not like to disappoint.

Oh my god. We open with Dawson sitting beside his window, knees hugged to his chest, plaintive look on his face, with Savage Garden's "Truly, Madly, Deeply" playing on the soundtrack. I don't know how to say anything funny about that, because that is so funny all by itself. So just picture it. "Dawson. The neighbor girl dumped you. Nobody died. Get over it," says Joey from the bed. Heh. No, he has pouting he wants to do. He's a lady. "She rejected romance, honesty and respect," he laments. He flops down on the bed and Joey goes to put on the movie they were going to watch, only to discover that the video of Jen in her yellow sundress is in the VCR. Cue eyeroll, and credits.

I was correct in assuming we'd not seen the last of Billy, and not just because I've seen this before. He steals the ladder from the Leerys' house and climbs into Jen's flowery bedroom. He's lounging on her bed when Grams comes in. She doesn't react as crazily as I would have expected. I'm disappointed. Nothing about heathens at all.

Billy says he heard that she dumped Dawson and decided to stick around. How did he hear this? Is he hanging out with local high school kids now while he's in town? Does he subscribe to some sort of newsletter? Is he a part of a phone tree? She shoots him down and he climbs back out the window.

...only to be found lounging on the hood of his car, eating an apple with a pocketknife (eating an apple with a pocketknife), when Dawson walks up. I do want to point out that he's changed into yet another garish, brightly colored, collared shirt. He tells Dawson they have an awful lot in common, and then plays on all his insecurities to manipulate Dawson into hanging out with him. Is New York so boring that he a) can't find another girl, and b) wants to hang out with Dawson? They decide to skip school to go to a bar in Providence where Billy "knows the bouncer."

Joey is walking, presumably to school, when the dude who played the redhead's boyfriend in the first season of Six Feet Under pulls up in a Jeep and offers her a ride to school. Don't get into cars with strangers, Joey. She's apparently impressed that he knows who Ted Bundy is, and acquiesces. Seriously, Joey. He immediately makes a joke about her nipples, and suggests they "get down in the sand together." Do people talk like this? He asks her what she and her boyfriend, Dawson, do. I'm kind of surprised all these popular guys, like Olaf in the last episode, know who Dawson is and know the ins and outs of his romance life. "I may be a virgin, but believe me, it's by choice," says Joey. Also, because you're fifteen.

Billy and Dawson make a stop at school before skipping, because Dawson wants to turn in some homework first. Really? Pacey gets all excited and wants to join them. While Dawson is being a huge dork, Jen and Joey run into Pacey and Billy. Jen's displeased at the corruption about to befall Dawson's precious virtue. Billy, for his part, tells her that he's taking the boys to a whorehouse in Providence.

The boys leave, and Jen asks Joey if she had sex with Warren (aka the jock who drove her to school). Apparently he's spreading that rumor after one five minute car ride. Told you not to get into cars with strangers, Jo.

Pacey coaches Dawson about being rebellious while on a ferryboat. "You're a regular Richie Cunningham. And Billy, he's the Fonz," he says. Dawson points out that that would make Pacey Potsie, which amuses me. Also-- is that how you spell Potsie? Potsy? What a strange name. I'm glad I'm not blogging my way through Happy Days. That would give me trouble.

Joey approaches Warren in the cafeteria and confronts him about the sex rumor. He tells her that it'll help them both-- improve her reputation and maintain his. What a nice favor he's done for her. "I never said I'd be your boyfriend!" he announces loudly, so everyone can hear. Uh oh.

In the hallway, Jen assures Joey that she didn't actually believe the rumor. She always saw Joey with somebody more like-- well, we know who she's getting at. Gross. Let's not put thoughts of sex and thoughts of Dawson in the same brain, shall we? Jen suggests they get revenge on Warren, and they conspire.

Pacey tells Dawson that he's the angel on Pacey's shoulder. Dawson doesn't want to be a goody goody anymore, apparently. He's ready to be reckless. In the meantime, Billy notices some dudes on the boat harrassing people, pushing on their car, yelling, drinking, etc. What to do? Dawson has an idea.

Back at school, Abby Morgan approaches Joey about the Warren rumor, and Joey puts the plan in motion. "He told me he loved me," she says, pretending to cry. She tells Abby that they didn't use protection, and whoops! Pregnant. And in this version of the story, he's telling all his friends it's not his problem. Abby's eating it up, of course, and runs off, presumably to spread this new information around school.

On the boat, Dawson puts his own plan in motion: the one he stole from American Graffiti. I don't know how Dawson knows how to do any of this, but he chains the back bumper of the douchebags' car to the boat. Where did they find chains? Don't people work on the ferry to prevent things like this from happening? It happens though-- when the time comes to drive off, Billy moons the douchebags and they slam on the brakes, separating car from bumper. Success!

Onto the club in Providence. It's a good thing Dawson looks forty, so I'm sure he had no trouble getting in. They discuss which girls they're going to inflict Dawson on.

It's the College Fair at Capeside High. The librarian pulls Joey aside and tells her she heard about the pregnancy, and wants to enroll her in the Family Planning class. Heh. Did Joey not think things like this would happen? Warren approaches his locker and finds baby shoes and bottles and stuff decorating it. Apparently word does get around.

Back at the club, Dawson picks a girl. Oh man. This one is better than Olaf from the last episode. He picks her out of the crowd though he only sees her from the back, because her t-shirt says "Film Threat" on the back. That's right. She's got a mess of curly hair and looks like a fifty-three year old smoker. See: this episode's picture up top. "My name is Dawson," he tells her awkwardly after tapping her on the shoulder. She is disinterested. He taps again. She's still disinterested, though she keeps talking to him. Pacey and Billy spot Dawson and his conquest, and pretend that she's actually attractive.

The girl, Nina, asks Dawson why he approached her. "Actually, it was your shirt," he says. Weird. "So what are you, Dawson, some kind of film buff?" Oh god, Nina. Why did you just do that?

Joey comes over to Jen's to suggest they call off the dogs. She's uncomfortable with the attention, and feels kind of bad about what people are doing to and saying about Warren. Joey lashes out at Jen for hurting Dawson. They fight about Dawson a lot. He's not worth it, girls. Like, seriously.

Apparently Nina thinks he might be worth it, though, because she's debating directors with him at the bar. She rightfully makes fun of him for loving Spielberg so much. Billy comes over and tries to hit on Nina, apparently unable to tell that she's really fifty-eight years old. She bristles, and suggests she and Dawson get out of there. Oh god. They walk to the parking lot and Dawson rambles awkwardly about the weather and Billy and film school. He's totally wondering if he's going to get some tonight. She gently shoots him down-- she can tell he's trying to prove something, she says. He admits that he just got dumped, and is looking to feel better. "Would it impress your friends if you didn't reappear 'til morning?" she asks. She suggests he come over and they just watch TV. Um, this is a terrible idea, Nina. You don't know this guy and also, he's a child. Do you want to be on the sex offender list forever, Nina? You know you can't live within a certain distance of a church or school if you're a sex offender, and that would make apartment hunting even more of a hassle than it already is for you. Care to rethink that decision? Well, it's moot, because Dawson turns her down because he's too hung up on Jen. They do kiss, though, before she gets into her a car and drives off.

Back at the College Fair-- and as an aside, so, did Joey go to the College Fair, leave the Fair to go yell at Jen, and then come back?-- Abby runs into Jen. The Warren rumor can't be true, Abby says. Her friend Elise is Warren's ex, and tells Jen that Warren can't get it up. Heh. Jen passes along the information to Joey and they cackle about it in the corner.

Aaaand back at the club. Dawson comes back in and joins the boys, who are disappointed he's not off getting busy with the sixty-year-old. Billy's all, "No wonder you couldn't score with Jen." Ooooh. Harsh. Dawson says he knows Billy just wanted Dawson to hook up with somebody so he could tell Jen and get her back. Seriously, are there no other cute girls in New York? Billy gets pissy and leaves. Dawson and Pacey are stranded! Oh, no!

At school (is the College Fair still going on? Why do these kids keep going to their lockers at night?), Warren suggests that he and Joey do it, since everybody already thinks they have. She tells him she hears he's not very good in bed, and could spread that around, instead. He angrily agrees to deny that they ever did anything. And then he asks her out on a date! Ha. I think she should have said yes. Anybody is a better candidate than Dawson. But alas, she turns him down.

Dawson and Pacey sit in the rain at a bus stop in Providence. Pacey accuses Dawson of kissing Nina, because, "are you just wearing that lipstick as a fashion statement?" Ew. He's had lipstick on his lips all this time?

Joey brings ice cream over to Jen's, where Jen is reading by candlelight under a blanket on the porch like she's turning into Grams. It's a peace offering, and they make up. I much prefer later seasons when they aren't constantly discussing Dawson. Jen indicates that Dawson's in love with Joey, while she herself is just the object of his infatuation. But at this point, they still think that he's at a whorehouse, so they speculate on that. Gross.

In the morning, Joey waits for Dawson in his room. Weird. Do his parents not care that he was out all night? And why did it take them all night to take the bus home from Providence? Joey wants to hear about Dawson's night, but he's sleepy, so to bed he goes. Is he just gonna sleep there while she watches? She just sits there. Seriously, Joey, that's creepy. Go home. Also, I want to note that Savage Garden is playing again as we fade out. Just saying.

Boyfriend

I remember this episode being boring. But then I feel like I say that about every episode. Why am I even subjecting myself to this?? Oh yeah, because I have excess snark. I need a snark outlet.

Dawson is talking to himself in his room as he's flipping channels. He comes across some scrambled porn, looks baffled momentarily, then switches over to AMC, because he's Dawson. Just in time, D, because in through the window comes a sleepy Joey, kept up all night by the new baby. She falls asleep almost instantly, which makes sense, because Dawson has commenced his usual whining about how in classic movies, the geeky guys get the girls and why can't life be like the movies? I'd fall asleep, too.

Credits, etc.

The Leery parents awkwardly make breakfast. They're apparently in marriage counseling. There's nothing amusing me in this scene, because it's actually pretty tense, so moving on.

Pacey is sitting next to what appears to be a hobo on a park bench and complaining about how boring Capeside is when a guy in an old convertible drives up. We know he's supposed to be a badass because he's wearing a garish, brightly colored collared shirt under a black leather jacket. He reminds me of the marginally attractive school bully in Boy Meets World, which is not a very badass thing for him to remind me of. In any case, Pacey gives him directions to Capeside High.

At the Potters', Joey complains to Bessie about the baby. Get rid of that baby, she commands, it's too noisy. No, she really doesn't say that. She just whines about being sleepy, then goes to school, where she studies Spanish with Dawson before asking him how things are going with Jen. Wasn't it just the last episode where she had an emotional breakdown about how she'd met The One? Did they forget about that?

Anyway, the aforementioned badass shows up at school and Jen gets all flustered. His name is Billy, and she's not happy to see him. He convinces her to skip school with him though, which Dawson sees from his stalker-like position just around the corner. Then Noel from Felicity approaches Dawson to ask where Jen is. There's nobody else in the halls-- shouldn't these people be in class? Noel wants to know if Jen has a boyfriend and Dawson says she does-- him. Noel somehow keeps his laughter inside.

Billy looks to have taken Jen to her house. Won't Grams wonder why she isn't in school? Maybe she's at her Capeside Wilderness Church Knitting and Judging Club meeting. Jen tells Billy he has to leave, and he says he can't right now because he's too tired. It's daytime, dude, and it's not THAT far back to New York. In any case, he's asking her to find him a place to stay for the night, when Dawson walks up and interrupts them. WHY AREN'T THESE PEOPLE IN SCHOOL?? Or, oh wait-- maybe Jen and Leather Jacket skipped school, spent the whole day together, and he's dropping her off at home, and it's after school. That makes more sense. But what did they do all day?? I have to know.

Jen asks Dawson if Billy can stay at his house for the night. Dawson freaks out about how he doesn't even know the guy, he could be anyone, etc. When Jen's like, "Okay, what do you wanna know?" the first thing he asks is if Billy's a friend or a "friend." Yeah, that's relevant to whether or not he's going to steal your movie posters and murder your parents. She for some reason admits to him that Billy is the one who she was caught with, biblically, in her parents' bed before getting shipped off to Capeside. But he's just a friend now! Dawson agrees to let Billy stay the night, because apparently not only was "is he just a friend" the most important question, but it was the only thing Dawson needed to know.

That night in Dawson's room, Billy mocks Dawson's ET doll. Heh. Then he tells him that his nefarious plan is to win Jen back. Just kidding! Instead, he wants to offer up any information about Jen that Dawson wants to know. Classy.

Dawson flees to Joey's house to complain about how his "life is rapidly becoming a punchline in some seriously disturbed joke." Right. Joey tells him his problems aren't that big of a deal and to shut the hell up, in nicer words, and he runs off, cheered.

The next day, Jen and Dawson discuss Billy's presence. He's all, "Billy wants you back and I think you want him too, you ho!" She says they never got a chance to say goodbye, he treated her with respect, etc, and Dawson's like, "GTFO Billy." She's being pretty reasonable but Dawson's so black and white. He storms off.

Joey heads to the video store where Pacey's working, hoping to rent The English Patient. Apparently it's the only thing that will keep the baby asleep. The discussion turns to Dawson and Jen's issues, and Pacey can totally tell that she wants them to break up over this ex drama. She denies it, but not well. Also, she's wearing mom jeans. I take umbrage to this.

At Casa Leery, Ma and Pa Leery are fighting again. Poor Dawson, future Child of Divorce, sighs loudly upstairs in his room.

Later on at the Icehouse, Joey's apparently running a billion table section. But really, it looks like maybe five tables, so she should probably calm the hell down. In any case, Pacey comes to invite her to a party, though it's unclear why. "I didn't have a date and I thought of you," he says, and bribes her with the fact that Dawson will be there sans Jen. If Pacey was asking me to go to a party, it would be "Dawson who?" This girl is cracked.

Dawson is trying on oversized striped sweater after oversized striped sweater in front of a mirror in his room. Maybe he's having a fat day. Mitch comes up and somehow manages to hide his surprise that Dawson is actually a girl as Dawson whines about Jen hanging out with Billy. Then Mitch gives Dawson advice about compromise in relationships, and it's sort of adorable, but just because I love Mitch.

Billy and Jen are hanging out by the river. He's wearing a different garish, brightly colored collared shirt underneath his leather jacket today. "You are leaving me for a guy who's got an ET doll on his bed," he says indignantly. Jen pipes up that it's a collector's item. Dawson's got you brainwashed, Lindley! Billy asks for one last kiss before leaving, and she pecks him on the lips and peaces out. Somehow I don't think we've seen the last of Leather Jacket.

Party! Red Solo cups! Guy with dreadlocks dancing! Pacey spots girls to hit on, and Joey looks dour on the porch until Dawson shows up. "What do you say, one quick drink and we hit the video store?" he suggests. You guys are lame. Dawson is pouring their drinks (there's a keg, but he opts for the two-liter of Pepsi) when Jen shows up. She's there to apologize to him, and pulls him away to talk about things. He follows instantly, forgetting all about poor Joey.

Now for some fun. Joey's left all alone, so naturally she gets approached by the most ridiculous looking guy I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure they meant for him to be the attractive jock upperclassman type, but dude has straight, platinum blonde hair down past his shoulders, earrings and a goatee. They missed the mark, I'd say. I tried to find a good picture of him so you could revel in this gloriousness, but the picture at the top of the post is the best I could find. So anyway, he points out to her that Dawson ditched her to walk on the beach with Jen, and offers her a drink. Well, maybe at least she'll have a little fun.

On the beach, Billy crashes Dawson and Jen's little party. Dawson is disgruntled to find out that they had shared a kiss, and Billy insists that the kiss was more hello than goodbye.

Joey is dancing on the porch by herself, drink in hand. Pacey snatches the cup out of her hand and tells her to pace herself, and she starts slurring her words. Is this supposed to be like hours later, or is this one of the "one sip of alcohol will impair your judgment forever!" kind of afterschool specials? Olaf the blond dude comes up and asks "Chloe" if Pacey is bothering her, and tells him to scram.

"Jen, tell him that kiss meant nothing!" Dawson demands back down on the beach. Jen is all, "I'm confused! Who do I want?" Billy says he has claim to Jen because he's known her for longer, like he's been grandfathered in or something, and Dawson basically calls her a slut. She's offended (what? really?). "I just want to know where I stand. Who's it gonna be, him or me?" he asks. Uh, neither. She chooses herself and runs off.

Elsewhere on the dunes, Olaf is trying to mack on Joey. Pacey comes to save the day-- "Alright, Jo, say goodbye to the nice serial rapist man." Heh. Olaf takes a swing, but Pacey ducks, then decks him. Down for the count. Dawson spots them, runs over and takes all the saving-Joey credit.

The boys sneak Joey back into her house, since apparently she managed to get so drunk she can't walk. Pacey tries to keep the baby quiet while Dawson puts her to bed on the couch. She's mostly asleep, so he takes the opportunity to talk to her about their relationship. "If you ever need me, I'll always be here for you." Blah blah blah. She wakes up, puts her hand on his cheek and kisses him on the lips before falling back asleep. Awwwk-warrrrd.

Mitch and Gail talk about their problems more civilly. She's been trying to get them to try new things to work out their relationship, but he suggests they focus on the old stuff and asks her to dance. It's pretty cute. Seriously, Mitch is the best.

Dawson and Pacey are rowing away from the Potters', and Dawson tells Pacey that Joey kissed him. "It meant nothing, she was completely wasted and obviously mistook me for Brad Pitt." Riiight. Pacey, the voice of reason more often than not, tells him he's an idiot and that Joey's hung up on him. Dawson laughs it off, but is clearly a little unsettled.

Billy leaves. Apparently Jen told him she wants to be with Dawson, so he packs his stuff and leaves only a threat that he'll be back if Dawson doesn't treat her well. Jen and Dawson meet on the dock, where he apologizes for calling her a ho earlier. She says this has all made her realize she's never been alone, so she breaks it off with Dawson, too. She says a lot of stuff, and he says a lot of stuff, but I don't like breakups, so let's move on. There's a depressing Ben Folds Five song playing, too. Anyway. The end.

Detention

So, officially, this episode is called "Detention." But in my day, these episodes were all named after movies! This was "The Breakfast Club," "Baby" was "Look Who's Talking," etc. I distinctly remember this, and the internet backs me up. What I don't know is why they changed them all to generic names for syndication, DVD releases, etc. It can't be a copyright issue if you're just using the NAME, right?

I digress. The Breakfast Club episode! Finally, something good.

Dawson has a stuffed ET doll on his bed. That is all I can say about that.

Dawson and Joey somehow end up wrestling for the remote on his bed. Then it gets awkward and they stop. Dawson is yucky. They're talking about an unnamed movie where a girl chooses between two guys based on who has the fastest car. "Why don't they just arm wrestle, and whoever has the biggets bicep wins?" whines Dawson. He's just mad because he doesn't have the biggest bicep. Joey calls him out on just being pissy that a girl would pick a guy based on superficial reasons and not based on his romantic soul. Because that way Dawson would never get a girl! "Let me get this straight. If girls are so attracted to the romantic guys, then... why won't Jen have sex with you?" Way to get straight to the point, Joey! Dawson pouts and puts the movie back on while Joey shakes her head in disdain, along with the rest of the audience.

Aaaand credits.

At Capeside High, Joey is giving a presentation. I think this is the first appearance of Abby Morgan-- she walks into class late. A football player in the class-- we can tell he's a football player because of his perma-letter jacket-- asks Joey inappropriate questions about concubines. She snaps back at him that he has a low IQ. Nice.

Meanwhile in the hallway, Pacey is chatting with Jen by her locker, telling her all about how they used to call Dawson "Oompa Loompa." Heh. Appropriate. Dawson approaches and Pacey antagonizes him about how he sucks at gym class (and really, everything), before leaving him alone with Jen. Dawson presses to find out what they were talking about, but she doesn't relent. She changes the subject to how bored with life she is-- "Let's do something wild this weekend, like river rafting, or jump out of a plane naked." Um, no. Nobody needs to see Dawson naked. Bad idea, Jennifer.

In the boys' locker room, Dawson tricks Pacey into telling him what he said to Jen. "You told her people called me Oompa Loompa?!" They're really building this tension between the boys here.

In class, Jen tries to participate in a discussion about euthanasia, and the teacher's all like, "I don't know how classes operated in New York City, but we raise our HANDS here!" She defends euthanasia and the teacher leaps over the line between separation of church and state, bitching about the sanctity of the Lord's gift of life or some such. Then Jen says, "Life's a bitch." Then the teacher says, "This is not Times Square, Miss Lindley. We don't use that kind of language here." Ha. Detention for you, Jen!

In the cafeteria, the aforementioned football player antagonizes Joey in the lunch line. He's one of those one note, "I rule the school" TV jerks that just furthers the plot, but whatever. Well, he pushes Joey one step too far, and she punches him right in the face, which is pretty awesome. Good stuff.

In the gym, Pacey convinces Dawson to play basketball with him after class. Not really a fair game, is it? So Pacey's being really obnoxious, and Dawson gets butthurt and stomps off. Now it's Pacey's turn to push Dawson one step too far-- calling him Oompa Loompa-- so Dawson intentionally tries to murder Pacey with a basketball to the face. Pretty sure Dawson should be put in jail. Pacey's hot. Detention!

And now it's Saturday, which we know because the song playing on the soundtrack is about Saturday. Dawson and Jen approach the library for their sentence and are surprised to find Pacey already there, purple nose and everything. Then Abby Morgan shows up. She's a little one note, too-- the provocative bitch. I guess she gets a little development later, but whatever. She's annoying.

Then Joey walks in, much to everyone's surprise. She takes her seat among the other prisoners, as the librarian presiding over detention tells them basically, "Now I'm going to go to my secluded office where I can't keep an eye on you, but don't do anything bad, mmkay?" Once she's gone, Abby interrogates everybody about their crimes. Pacey won't tell. With good reason, if I recall correctly! We already know what everybody else did.

A little later, Abby tells everybody she got in trouble for having an ecstasy-fueled orgy in the bathroom. Ew. That bathroom is probably filthy.

And later still, Dawson says, "this is SO Breakfast Club." Because they knew their target audience was in diapers when The Breakfast Club came out, they have clueless Jen ask, "Breakfast Club?" Maybe she thinks he wants to take her to Waffle House. Do they have Waffle Houses in Massachussetts? I know it started in the South, because the first one is down the street, but surely people up North crave hash browns at 4 a.m., too. Joey and Dawson explain the movie, and then comes the set up for my favorite joke-- Jen asks what happened to the actors in the film, and Dawson enlightens her. He tells her about Anthony Michael Hall and Molly Ringwald, and says that "the rest are languishing somewhere in TV obscurity." This irks Pacey. "No way, Emilio Estevez, he was in those Duck movies, remember? Those were classics. So funny!" Heh. Oh, Charlie Conway.

Now everybody takes a bathroom break, so we are treated to a shot of Pacey and Dawson peeing. So strange to me. I don't want to watch boys at urinals, ever, really.

Even later, Abby gets bored and suggests they all play Truth or Dare. That's an obvious choice, Abby. Should've gone for Strip Freeze Tag or something a little more original. I have no idea how you would strip if you're frozen. That's the challenge. In any case, Abby dares Pacey to kiss Jen, and Dawson gets a little apoplectic. They do it, though. Then Pacey turns the heat on Joey-- "Who do you like?" Are we twelve? Well, I was, when this was originally on. Joey changes to a dare, so Pacey dares her to kiss Dawson. The horror!

Joey then asks Jen if Dawson is who Jen is most attracted to at Capeside. Dawson's all, "yeah, am I??" Everybody is so catty in this episode; it's great. Jen sputters a bit and then spits out the lie: "Yes, I lust for Dawson." Ew. No, Jen, I think that's just indigestion.

Dawson suggests they all sneak out of the library for a bit. They tiptoe past the office where the librarian is absorbed in soap operas, and go to the copy room where they photocopy their butts. What fun! Pacey and Dawson get in a little jealous tiff, and Pacey calls him Oompa Loompa again. Cue old school Western movie Mexican standoff music. They challenge each other to a basketball game, so it's off to the gym.

Pacey is skins and Dawson is shirts, and for that I am thankful. The girls snipe at each other in the bleachers. "Joey, it's obvious you're in love with Dawson!" says Abby, to explain why Joey keeps refusing Jen's friendship. "Am not!" she cries, but she so is, and Jen totally knows it.

Abby announces frantically that it's time to get back to the library before they get caught. And now comes the Breakfast Club-style run through the hallways, complete with the scene where they all slide down the corridor as if their shoes were, in fact, socks. They get caught anyway.

Punishment is organizing the card catalog. So before this, were they just supposed to be sitting there? I mean, it's a library, I guess they could read. Still. That's even more boring than having to watch this episode.

The librarian reveals Abby's true crime-- excessive tardies. But then we find out Pacey's offense-- jerking off in the locker room after some cheerleaders get him all hot and bothered in the gym. Dirty.

In between all that, Dawson reveals all his insecurities. He's not a "big sex stud" like Pacey. Well, duh.
"I guess I'm just looking for a reason... for why you don't want me," he says to Jen. She's all, "I like you!" because she can't make herself say those words out loud. She tells him he's a god-send, and how he's romantic, and all that. "Dawson, it's because of you that I get through the bad days." Ugh.

Joey's making a distressed face over at the table while this is going on. I'm making a distressed face, too, but for a different reason. She has an outburst about being inexperienced, so don't feel bad Dawson, and he says she'll find the right person, and she says she has. He runs to her side and she talks about her weird feelings while trying to hold back tears. It's super obvious that she means him, though he doesn't get it, because he's a moron. Jen gets it, and looks very uncomfortable with this situation. Then the librarian comes back in, and it's time to go home. Off the hook this time, Jo.

Wow, that one wasn't as awesome as I remembered. Maybe the next one will be awesome? Except, nope, it's the one with Jen's boyfriend from New York. Hmm.

Baby

I haven't written a new post in quite some time, and it's because this next episode is boring. If one boring episode is enough to put me off for so long, imagine what I will do come season two! I hope that there's a lot of snark-worthy material in my future.

Also, um, kids, this is long. Like, it might be quicker for you to just watch the episode. But I wouldn't recommend it.

We start in Dawson's stupid room. Joey is wearing white overalls. That's kind of weird, no? Is she about to paint a house? I don't understand. Ooh, and Jen is at movie night, which is making Joey uncomfortable. Jen meekly tries to bow out, trying not to intrude on their tradition. In the end, both girls leave, and Dawson is frustrated that his futile hopes of a threesome have been thwarted. Oh Dawson. Don't get your hopes up. You don't get any action 'til season five!

I do like all the establishing shots of North Caroli Capeside, with all the docks and sailboats and things. They make me feel like I'd want to live there. But I totally don't want to live there, are you kidding me?

Over at the Potter house, Bessie's about to pop. She is sitting in a rocking chair wearing a muu-muu and eating a lime popsicle, which makes me remember that I have lime popsicles in my freezer, which makes me want one, which makes me stop paying attention to the show for a minute while I contemplate how I could simultaneously watch, type, and eat a lime popsicle. I don't think it's gonna happen for me today.

Joey is drinking a Diet Coke. So am I. Cheers, Joey!

Crazy Religious Nut Grams is putting away laundry or snooping or something in Jen's flowerly bedroom, and spots a calendar on Jen's wall. "What in heaven's name is this?" she gasps. "It's a filthy calendar!" It looks like it's just a photograph of a nude sculpture, not even of a live person, so I don't know if Grams is supposed to be so stodgy and nutty that she doesn't even approve of art, or what. Anyway, then Jen makes a crack about Naked Jesus and Grams is appalled. They argue about religion too much. It's boring.

Ms. Jacobs is putting books into the backseat of her hot red convertible, and Pacey's loudly asking her out on a public date as she does so. What is wrong with these people? I've snuck around, and this is not sneaking around. Idiots.

Cut to Pacey peeing in the bathroom. Awkward. Dawson's just washing his hands, thank god. So Pacey tells Dawson all about how he's going to take Ms. Jacobs to Providence on a date, and how their relationship isn't just about sex, yadda yadda yadda. He takes the time (after he's already said some pretty damning things, I might add) to look under the stall doors to make sure nobody is in there, but is apparently too blinded by love to notice that one stall door is CLOSED because there's a dude inside squatting on the toilet, smoking. Do they not smell the smoke? Does love make you lose both your sense of sight AND smell? That's odd. In any case, some long-haired stoner now knows all the details of Pacey's little affair. The plot, she thickens!

Later, Jen and Dawson are walking across campus. Jen is wearing a sleeved maxi dress she appears to have stolen from Grams' closet. She tells Dawson about this rumor she heard-- that Pacey is banging Ms. Jacobs. Truth? Dawson is bad at hiding things, so now Jen knows. Good friend, D!

Dawson and Pacey discuss the fallout in-- a big supply closet? Somebody's office? Where are they? There's a lot of clutter, some weird metal contraptions, a desk and a sticker on the wall that says "Dart Boards." Anyway, Pacey's kind of freaking out, and Dawson reminds him that, duh, nobody in high school is really going to believe a rumor that a 15-year-old is banging his "hot" teacher. If I had heard that back in high school, I wouldn't have believed it unless there was some kind of "proof," like somebody saw them doing it in the auditorium or something. Still, I don't know how well this is going to work out for Pacey in Dawson's Creekland.

Pacey is late for Ms. Jacobs' class, which seems like a bad idea-- don't draw more attention to them, y'know?-- and all the students are making cracks about the rumor. They're all really obvious jokes and I don't know why Ms. Jacobs just kind of giggles them off. Be assertive, lady, you're in charge here!

Later, presumably after school, Pacey mopes on a park bench while that quasi-metal music Dawson used to mope to plays. Joey comes over to empathize with him-- "I know what you're going through," she says. You hit that too, Jo? In any case, what she means is that she's used to the whispers and stares. Pacey and Joey bonding is just cute and rarely snarkable, so I guess my work here is done.

Jen and Dawson are walking home. Jen is wearing some pretty fug boots to go with Grams' christening gown. I don't even know what a christening gown is, but this dress needs a name. When they reach Jen's house, Grams peeks out the screen door wearing, I swear, a flowered short-sleeved robe thing over her real clothes paired with house shoes or something. House shoes, for those of you who don't have grandparents living in a smallish town in Georgia, are slippers. I don't know, it looks weird. And Grams is all wild-eyed as she watches Dawson and Jen say goodbye. I don't know what made them decide to make her into Action Grams in subsequent seasons, but I'm glad that's coming up.

I told you Bessie was about to pop. Joey comes home to find her trying to drive their truck to the hospital, but the tire is stuck in a hole? Or something? Crazy things happen to these creek folks. So anyway, they determine that since the truck is apparently permanently stuck in a hole, they need to call an ambulance. But wait! The Potter phone doesn't work! WTF, Potters, pay your phone bill. Also, oh, 1997. You should've held off on getting knocked up until they invented cell phones, Bess. So Bessie points out the closest phone is at Dawson's house (really?), and Joey points out that the quickest way to get to Dawson's is to paddle (really?). Into the canoe they go. Heh. "You're rowing like a girl," says Bessie, and snatches the paddles away. Nice. Then: "Oh my god, Bessie, the boat is leaking." "That's not the boat, Joey." Ew. Bessie is leaking.

Dawson calls the ambulance, but it can't get there for awhile. That's right, "it." There's one. This town is a little like Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies-- a different size based on whatever suits the purpose of the plot. It's big enough to have a community college and a yacht club and all that, but only has one ambulance and "no doctor within 30 miles," says Bessie. Also, can't somebody just drive her to the hospital now that they're on the right side of the creek? I know that the kids are fifteen, but they have neighbors. Okay, okay, I'll stop picking apart plot holes, because if Grams drove Bessie to the hospital, this episode would probably be even more boring. I should be grateful.

In the midst of all this, Pacey is waiting for Ms. Jacobs outside her house. That doesn't look suspicious to anyone who happens to walk by. Ms. Jacobs gets pissy because she thinks he told people. She says all the teachers are talking about it and points out that, yeah, she could probably get in real trouble for this. She breaks up with him and storms inside the house.

Meanwhile at the Leery Maternity Ward, Dawson and Joey decide they need to call Grams, because they don't know how to deliver a baby. Grams is pretty busy wearing that weird robe and lecturing Jen about Jesus, but oh, she supposes she'd have a second to help.

Pacey is walking around the marina when Deputy Doug pulls up. He's heard the rumor too! At Carlton's. Getting a haircut. He looks pretty sweet in those aviators. The version of the rumor he heard said that the kid in question made up the claims, so he's just mad at Pacey for spreading lies about "poor, sweet Tamara." Apparently there's going to be an emergency school board meeting to determine if they're going to charge Ms. Jacobs with anything. Yikes.

Okay, Dawson, I know you're a film geek, and practice makes perfect, and all that. But you don't need to be filming Bessie's vagina. Ever. Even if it's for her boyfriend who can't be there. Even if you're thinking of going the documentary route next. I don't care. Don't do it.

Bessie is mad that they got Grams to help, because, "she's borderline racist and hates everything about me and my boyfriend and our unborn child." Good point. This is Crazy Grams we're dealing with here. She might snatch the baby away and take it to live in the attic at Capeside Wilderness Church of Jesus, surrounded by hay and bats, sleeping in a manger and fed only the Word of God. Make sure you keep a good grip on it once it's out, Bessie.

Jen should have changed out of that dress while she was at home. Just saying.

At the school board hearing, Pacey approaches Ms. Jacobs, calling her "Tammy." Good move, moron. Ms. Jacobs' lawyer won't let him talk to her. That's a lot more sensible. Pacey apologizes anyway and slumps off. Ms. Jacobs gets interrogated by a judge, sort of. Is she on trial already? Is this how the justice system works? Pacey comes back in and interrupts the proceedings to announce that he made it all up, the whole rumor. That's the best move you've made so far in this affair, Pacey.

Dawson takes a break from filming Bessie's vagina because he notices Joey looks a little peaked on the couch. He tells her it'll be okay, but then goes right back to filming. He doesn't want to miss the action! Jen announces to Grams that there's a lot of blood, which sends Bessie into a fit. "Mrs. Ryan, smile for the camera!" Dawson says cheerfully. She smacks the camera out of his hand. Nice. That's the Action Grams I know and love. She and Jen confer in the kitchen, because Jen apparently has a medical degree and a few years of residency under her belt and somehow thinks she knows exactly what a birth should look like.

Back to birthing. Jen keeps demanding that Grams give Bessie something for the pain (does she carry sedatives around with her?) but Grams has her recite the Lord's Prayer instead. That's the same.

Dawson, no longer allowed to film, finds Joey outside freaked out. She tells Dawson she's scared and talks about when her mom was dying, which is sad, but not really the same as Bessie giving birth. I'll give her a pass, though, because it's gotta be a stressful situation. No snark here.

At the courthouse, Deputy Doug apologizes for Pacey to Ms. Jacobs. He's all "Pacey's a screwup and super lame!" and she's all "Pacey is awesome!" Then she drives off in her sportscar. I wish she was driving away forever already but I guess I don't have to wait long for her to leave for good. (SPOILER ALERT. Wait, that should have come first. I'm sorry; I did it wrong.)

On the OB/GYN floor, Bessie manages to make that final push and we're treated to the sight of a bloody crying baby. What do they use to simulate the blood and gook that's on newborn babies in film and TV, do you think? Because it looks like red Jello.

Pacey just can't leave well enough alone, so of course he goes over to Ms. Jacobs' house again. Seriously, I know it's a small town, but aren't there people here? People who could see him going into her house all the time in broad daylight and assume things? Anyway, they sit out on her porch and chat. He tells her he doesn't want to break up, which is kind of ridiculous given that she could have gone to JAIL or wherever they put teachers who do it with 15-year-olds. But yeah, she tells him she's skipping town for Rochester. That's right; her departure was sooner than I thought. I didn't spoil much. She tells him it was inevitable for them to end, which is true. Silly Pacey. Did you think you were going to end up with your English teacher? She tells him how much she cares about him, but that she's 36 and wants babies one day. "I want to be their mother, not their girlfriend." Well that's good to know.

At Grams', Grams is writing in her feelings journal at the kitchen table and she and Jen bond for a moment. But then Grams ruins it by asking Jen if she's suddenly started to believe in God just because a baby was born on the Leery living room floor (gross).

And back at the Potters', that baby is huge. I know they can't use actual newborns, but it's funny to see a 20 lb. toddler standing in as a baby born today.

Pacey earns his Creepy Stalker merit badge by standing in the dark on the beach, watching Ms. Jacobs putter about inside her house. He smirks. "Bye, Tammy." Walks off. At least this chapter is closed. And this episode is over! Yay! Now I can finally get that lime popsicle.