I haven't written a new post in quite some time, and it's because this next episode is boring. If one boring episode is enough to put me off for so long, imagine what I will do come season two! I hope that there's a lot of snark-worthy material in my future.
Also, um, kids, this is long. Like, it might be quicker for you to just watch the episode. But I wouldn't recommend it.
We start in Dawson's stupid room. Joey is wearing white overalls. That's kind of weird, no? Is she about to paint a house? I don't understand. Ooh, and Jen is at movie night, which is making Joey uncomfortable. Jen meekly tries to bow out, trying not to intrude on their tradition. In the end, both girls leave, and Dawson is frustrated that his futile hopes of a threesome have been thwarted. Oh Dawson. Don't get your hopes up. You don't get any action 'til season five!
I do like all the establishing shots of
Over at the Potter house, Bessie's about to pop. She is sitting in a rocking chair wearing a muu-muu and eating a lime popsicle, which makes me remember that I have lime popsicles in my freezer, which makes me want one, which makes me stop paying attention to the show for a minute while I contemplate how I could simultaneously watch, type, and eat a lime popsicle. I don't think it's gonna happen for me today.
Joey is drinking a Diet Coke. So am I. Cheers, Joey!
Crazy Religious Nut Grams is putting away laundry or snooping or something in Jen's flowerly bedroom, and spots a calendar on Jen's wall. "What in heaven's name is this?" she gasps. "It's a filthy calendar!" It looks like it's just a photograph of a nude sculpture, not even of a live person, so I don't know if Grams is supposed to be so stodgy and nutty that she doesn't even approve of art, or what. Anyway, then Jen makes a crack about Naked Jesus and Grams is appalled. They argue about religion too much. It's boring.
Ms. Jacobs is putting books into the backseat of her hot red convertible, and Pacey's loudly asking her out on a public date as she does so. What is wrong with these people? I've snuck around, and this is not sneaking around. Idiots.
Cut to Pacey peeing in the bathroom. Awkward. Dawson's just washing his hands, thank god. So Pacey tells Dawson all about how he's going to take Ms. Jacobs to Providence on a date, and how their relationship isn't just about sex, yadda yadda yadda. He takes the time (after he's already said some pretty damning things, I might add) to look under the stall doors to make sure nobody is in there, but is apparently too blinded by love to notice that one stall door is CLOSED because there's a dude inside squatting on the toilet, smoking. Do they not smell the smoke? Does love make you lose both your sense of sight AND smell? That's odd. In any case, some long-haired stoner now knows all the details of Pacey's little affair. The plot, she thickens!
Later, Jen and Dawson are walking across campus. Jen is wearing a sleeved maxi dress she appears to have stolen from Grams' closet. She tells Dawson about this rumor she heard-- that Pacey is banging Ms. Jacobs. Truth? Dawson is bad at hiding things, so now Jen knows. Good friend, D!
Dawson and Pacey discuss the fallout in-- a big supply closet? Somebody's office? Where are they? There's a lot of clutter, some weird metal contraptions, a desk and a sticker on the wall that says "Dart Boards." Anyway, Pacey's kind of freaking out, and Dawson reminds him that, duh, nobody in high school is really going to believe a rumor that a 15-year-old is banging his "hot" teacher. If I had heard that back in high school, I wouldn't have believed it unless there was some kind of "proof," like somebody saw them doing it in the auditorium or something. Still, I don't know how well this is going to work out for Pacey in Dawson's Creekland.
Pacey is late for Ms. Jacobs' class, which seems like a bad idea-- don't draw more attention to them, y'know?-- and all the students are making cracks about the rumor. They're all really obvious jokes and I don't know why Ms. Jacobs just kind of giggles them off. Be assertive, lady, you're in charge here!
Later, presumably after school, Pacey mopes on a park bench while that quasi-metal music Dawson used to mope to plays. Joey comes over to empathize with him-- "I know what you're going through," she says. You hit that too, Jo? In any case, what she means is that she's used to the whispers and stares. Pacey and Joey bonding is just cute and rarely snarkable, so I guess my work here is done.
Jen and Dawson are walking home. Jen is wearing some pretty fug boots to go with Grams' christening gown. I don't even know what a christening gown is, but this dress needs a name. When they reach Jen's house, Grams peeks out the screen door wearing, I swear, a flowered short-sleeved robe thing over her real clothes paired with house shoes or something. House shoes, for those of you who don't have grandparents living in a smallish town in Georgia, are slippers. I don't know, it looks weird. And Grams is all wild-eyed as she watches Dawson and Jen say goodbye. I don't know what made them decide to make her into Action Grams in subsequent seasons, but I'm glad that's coming up.
I told you Bessie was about to pop. Joey comes home to find her trying to drive their truck to the hospital, but the tire is stuck in a hole? Or something? Crazy things happen to these creek folks. So anyway, they determine that since the truck is apparently permanently stuck in a hole, they need to call an ambulance. But wait! The Potter phone doesn't work! WTF, Potters, pay your phone bill. Also, oh, 1997. You should've held off on getting knocked up until they invented cell phones, Bess. So Bessie points out the closest phone is at Dawson's house (really?), and Joey points out that the quickest way to get to Dawson's is to paddle (really?). Into the canoe they go. Heh. "You're rowing like a girl," says Bessie, and snatches the paddles away. Nice. Then: "Oh my god, Bessie, the boat is leaking." "That's not the boat, Joey." Ew. Bessie is leaking.
Dawson calls the ambulance, but it can't get there for awhile. That's right, "it." There's one. This town is a little like Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies-- a different size based on whatever suits the purpose of the plot. It's big enough to have a community college and a yacht club and all that, but only has one ambulance and "no doctor within 30 miles," says Bessie. Also, can't somebody just drive her to the hospital now that they're on the right side of the creek? I know that the kids are fifteen, but they have neighbors. Okay, okay, I'll stop picking apart plot holes, because if Grams drove Bessie to the hospital, this episode would probably be even more boring. I should be grateful.
In the midst of all this, Pacey is waiting for Ms. Jacobs outside her house. That doesn't look suspicious to anyone who happens to walk by. Ms. Jacobs gets pissy because she thinks he told people. She says all the teachers are talking about it and points out that, yeah, she could probably get in real trouble for this. She breaks up with him and storms inside the house.
Meanwhile at the Leery Maternity Ward, Dawson and Joey decide they need to call Grams, because they don't know how to deliver a baby. Grams is pretty busy wearing that weird robe and lecturing Jen about Jesus, but oh, she supposes she'd have a second to help.
Pacey is walking around the marina when Deputy Doug pulls up. He's heard the rumor too! At Carlton's. Getting a haircut. He looks pretty sweet in those aviators. The version of the rumor he heard said that the kid in question made up the claims, so he's just mad at Pacey for spreading lies about "poor, sweet Tamara." Apparently there's going to be an emergency school board meeting to determine if they're going to charge Ms. Jacobs with anything. Yikes.
Okay, Dawson, I know you're a film geek, and practice makes perfect, and all that. But you don't need to be filming Bessie's vagina. Ever. Even if it's for her boyfriend who can't be there. Even if you're thinking of going the documentary route next. I don't care. Don't do it.
Bessie is mad that they got Grams to help, because, "she's borderline racist and hates everything about me and my boyfriend and our unborn child." Good point. This is Crazy Grams we're dealing with here. She might snatch the baby away and take it to live in the attic at Capeside Wilderness Church of Jesus, surrounded by hay and bats, sleeping in a manger and fed only the Word of God. Make sure you keep a good grip on it once it's out, Bessie.
Jen should have changed out of that dress while she was at home. Just saying.
At the school board hearing, Pacey approaches Ms. Jacobs, calling her "Tammy." Good move, moron. Ms. Jacobs' lawyer won't let him talk to her. That's a lot more sensible. Pacey apologizes anyway and slumps off. Ms. Jacobs gets interrogated by a judge, sort of. Is she on trial already? Is this how the justice system works? Pacey comes back in and interrupts the proceedings to announce that he made it all up, the whole rumor. That's the best move you've made so far in this affair, Pacey.
Dawson takes a break from filming Bessie's vagina because he notices Joey looks a little peaked on the couch. He tells her it'll be okay, but then goes right back to filming. He doesn't want to miss the action! Jen announces to Grams that there's a lot of blood, which sends Bessie into a fit. "Mrs. Ryan, smile for the camera!" Dawson says cheerfully. She smacks the camera out of his hand. Nice. That's the Action Grams I know and love. She and Jen confer in the kitchen, because Jen apparently has a medical degree and a few years of residency under her belt and somehow thinks she knows exactly what a birth should look like.
Back to birthing. Jen keeps demanding that Grams give Bessie something for the pain (does she carry sedatives around with her?) but Grams has her recite the Lord's Prayer instead. That's the same.
Dawson, no longer allowed to film, finds Joey outside freaked out. She tells Dawson she's scared and talks about when her mom was dying, which is sad, but not really the same as Bessie giving birth. I'll give her a pass, though, because it's gotta be a stressful situation. No snark here.
At the courthouse, Deputy Doug apologizes for Pacey to Ms. Jacobs. He's all "Pacey's a screwup and super lame!" and she's all "Pacey is awesome!" Then she drives off in her sportscar. I wish she was driving away forever already but I guess I don't have to wait long for her to leave for good. (SPOILER ALERT. Wait, that should have come first. I'm sorry; I did it wrong.)
On the OB/GYN floor, Bessie manages to make that final push and we're treated to the sight of a bloody crying baby. What do they use to simulate the blood and gook that's on newborn babies in film and TV, do you think? Because it looks like red Jello.
Pacey just can't leave well enough alone, so of course he goes over to Ms. Jacobs' house again. Seriously, I know it's a small town, but aren't there people here? People who could see him going into her house all the time in broad daylight and assume things? Anyway, they sit out on her porch and chat. He tells her he doesn't want to break up, which is kind of ridiculous given that she could have gone to JAIL or wherever they put teachers who do it with 15-year-olds. But yeah, she tells him she's skipping town for Rochester. That's right; her departure was sooner than I thought. I didn't spoil much. She tells him it was inevitable for them to end, which is true. Silly Pacey. Did you think you were going to end up with your English teacher? She tells him how much she cares about him, but that she's 36 and wants babies one day. "I want to be their mother, not their girlfriend." Well that's good to know.
At Grams', Grams is writing in her feelings journal at the kitchen table and she and Jen bond for a moment. But then Grams ruins it by asking Jen if she's suddenly started to believe in God just because a baby was born on the Leery living room floor (gross).
And back at the Potters', that baby is huge. I know they can't use actual newborns, but it's funny to see a 20 lb. toddler standing in as a baby born today.
Pacey earns his Creepy Stalker merit badge by standing in the dark on the beach, watching Ms. Jacobs putter about inside her house. He smirks. "Bye, Tammy." Walks off. At least this chapter is closed. And this episode is over! Yay! Now I can finally get that lime popsicle.
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