Double Date

Dawson paces his room, lamenting how ever since he and Jen broke up, he and Jen have been broken up. Joey listens from the bed, somehow managing to keep from rolling her eyes. How does she put up with this kid? And even more, how does she have feelings for this kid? (Sorry-- for this 40-year-old man.) She lays it all out for him: "You can't live in the past. You have to start preparing for life after Jen." You want him to hop on the Joey train, eh, Jo? Ew.

Credits! "Open up your morning light, and say a little prayer for I." Paula Cole, what does that mean? Explain yourself.

Leery residence. Gail gets a phone call. From her lovah! It's about work, but Mitch is displeased. Gail is wearing the shortest skirt suit I've ever seen, and I watched Ally McBeal back in the day, so that's saying something.

At school, Dawson and Jen awkwardly talk in the hallway. Then they awkwardly talk about how it's awkward. Let's be friends, she says. Awkward awkward awkward.

Pacey and Dawson discuss these developments in science class. "What serves your purpose here is to let her know that you're completely over her. She's yesterday's news," says sage Pacey. He has a plan. Some girl interrupts their conversation to make small talk with Dawson, a girl we've never seen before but is apparently a friend of his, and then the teacher tells Pacey to see him after class about a failed exam. Uh oh. Get it together, Pace. You can't just be a pretty face.

After class, he meets with the teacher. He got a 32 on the midterm! How is that possible? The teacher offers to pass Pacey if he does an extracurricular assignment with another student. Aaaand in walks Joey! They are not pleased to be paired together. Joey and Pacey's level of hatred for each other changes almost every episode. Didn't they just go to a party together the other day, when Leather Jacket was in town?

Dawson decides to put Pacey's evil plan in action-- he tells Jen at her locker that he would love to be her friend. He's wearing the creepiest, fake calm expression on his face as he reassures her that it's okay to tell him about her weekend plans. She has a date with Noel from Felicity. To the town carnival. Didn't she dump his ass last episode? Robot Dawson pauses, reboots, and tells her he also has a date for the weekend. And it is also to the carnival. Will coincidences never cease?? His robot-like serenity persists as he suggests they double date. And she, in her infinite wisdom, agrees to this absurd idea. The only thing weirder than going on a second date with a guy with your ex-boyfriend is going on a first date with a guy to your ex-boyfriend's house. Clearly Jen has suffered some sort of a stroke in this scene that causes her to respond in the affirmative to any suggestion, no matter how atrocious. There's no other explanation.

Pacey reassures Dawson at lunchtime that this all fits into the plan, Operation Get Jen Back. He has to date other women, so she can see him with other women. The problem I see with this, Pacey, is the ludicrous idea that any other women would want to date Dawson. They seem to think this won't be an issue, so Pacey shoos Dawson off to ask out Mary Beth, the girl who made small talk with him in science class. She's all, "I ain't your rebound, bitch!" And he's all, "Bitch please, I'm over that ho." So she says yes.

That night at the Leery house, Mitch awkwardly interrogates Dawson, asking if any phone calls he "should know about" have come in. Dawson is obtuse until Mitch hits him over the head with it, and then he tells him, no, he didn't call. Poor Mitch.

The next day in the science lab, Pacey and Joey arrive to find that the snails whose mating habits they were supposed to be observing are now dead. Evidently Pacey was supposed to check on them the night before. He did, he says! The snails didn't seem into each other, he tells her. "Maybe snails are just like guys," he suggests. "Maybe their ultimate fantasy is to be with two snails at the same time." So he put all the snails in the aquarium together, hoping to facilitate one big snail orgy. Only one problem. One of the snails involved was carnivorous and ate all the others. So no more snails! Hopefully they got in the orgy before the cannibalism part began.

Later, Joey criticizes Dawson for leading Mary Beth on. He's all, "I know, I'm terrible, she has a crush on me though and I'm gonna do it anyway!" Joey suggests he call it off, tell Mary Beth he has to "...stay in to... wash your hair, or something." Ha! That would take him all night! He says he knows that he should cancel, but secretly he really thinks it's a good idea. "You're taking romantic advice from a guy who spent his evening trying to get three snails to sleep with each other?" Joey asks. Touche. Joey tells him not to be a jerk, because he's "one of the good ones." They have a little moment, which is nice for them and uncomfortable for me, before Pacey comes to pick Joey up. It's snail hunting time!

But first, it's carnival time. Mary Beth meets Dawson there, and I think he should just ditch Jen and Noel and hang out with her, because the awkwardness of double dating with your ex might just be too much for me to bear. But they don't listen to me. Oh, and might I add that Mary Beth didn't KNOW this was a double date? She's smart enough to be able to tell he's still hung up on Jen, and that this is a bad idea. He denies it though, and the date continues. Besides Mary Beth, they're all idiots.

Where did the school get the snails to begin with? I doubt their science teacher rowed out to the middle of a marsh like they're doing to catch them. Oh, plot devices.

Dawson has convinced Mary Beth that the double date was Jen's idea, to make her more comfortable with Noel. All my ideas about how smart you were are out the window, MB. You're an idiot, too.

After catching some wild snails, Joey discovers Pacey didn't tie up their boat. There it goes! This is all very silly.

Back at the carnival, it's a pissing contest between Noel and Dawson. A pitching contest, actually-- they're trying to knock over milk bottles. I don't buy the idea that Dawson has even a little bit of athletic ability, and thus this scene makes little sense to me, because he wins. When the carnie hands over his prize, his first instinct is to hand it over to Jen. Awkward city. He tells Mary Beth they need to talk. Why did any of these people put themselves in this situation?

Joey and Pacey wade through the marsh to get to the boat, sniping at each other the whole time. They're soaking wet when they get to his truck, so he tells her to change into a blanket he has in the bed of the truck. They stand on either side and get naked. "No peeking," says Pacey. Once he's finished, he sits in the car and creepily watches her in the sideview mirror. I'm unsure if he can see much, but geez. Also, is getting naked under blankets really necessary? How far are they from home, and how cold is it outside? I don't think anyone's in danger of hypothermia here, but if they want an excuse to get Pacey shirtless, I won't really complain.

In the parking lot of the carnival, Dawson finds Mary Beth. She's embarrassed for some reason, even though it's totally Dawson who should feel bad. "You were right; I'm not over Jen," he admits. She tells him she never like liked him, and that at first she only agreed to the date because she felt bad for him. She's embarrassed because she likes Noel from Felicity! And is upset that he's into Jen! So it's the broken hearts' club out in the parking lot, as they gorge themselves on popcorn. Until Mary Beth gets an idea! Oh god.

Back into the carnival they go. The foursome wait in line for the ferris wheel, the pinnacle of any romantic trip to the fair. Jen has two stuffed animals to Mary Beth's one, and the one Mary Beth has is the one Dawson almost gave to Jen, so I think Jen wins. Once it's their turn, Mary Beth drags Noel from Felicity with her. "We've hardly chatted all night!" I'm sure literally yanking him away from his date will make him love you, MB. This, of course, leaves Dawson and Jen to more awkwardness ahead.

Back at the Potters', Pacey and Joey have changed out of their blankets and into dry clothes. He wants to know her midterm grade-- since his was a 32, and she has to work on the assignment with him, he assumes she bombed. She resists, then finally tells him-- she got a 98. She needs the extra credit, she says, so her grades will be as high as possible so she can get out of Capeside. I understand the sentiment, Jo, but there are schools that will take you even if your grades are only okay, and they're not all in Capeside.

Jen gives Dawson the cold shoulder on the ferris wheel, as he tries to act like everything's normal. But the ferris wheel stops! With them at the top! He asks her how her date's going. Way to make things worse, Doucheson. "You shouldn't be here! I don't know why you wanted to come; I don't know why I let you," she says. Me too! I don't know those things, either! He is all bitter about how she told him she wanted to be single when they broke up, and now she's dating Noel from Felicity. "You weren't tired of men, Jen, you were simply tired of me." She can't refute it. I can't fathom how uncomfortable this situation would be. He tells her the reason he came is because he's still hung up on her, and suggests that the reason she let him come is that she's still hung up on him. Um, no, Dawson, she had a stroke. Have some sensitivity.

Later, Dawson sulks at the carnival, alone on a bench. Pacey and Joey approach him, and he's glad to see them, since apparently even Mary Beth has ditched him. Pacey asks to talk to him in private, where he hems and haws for a few moments. He tells Dawson that while he and Joey have never liked each other, he's kind of come to like her today. "As a friend," inserts Dawson. At first, as a friend, Pacey tells him, but now he's kind of thinking otherwise. It's because he saw her semi-naked I guess. In any case, he wants to ask Dawson's permission to make a move. "You're my friend. Joey's my friend. I don't care who she kisses. And if it's you, so much the better. My two best friends, kissing. What could be better than that?" says Dawson. If I had a time machine that also could transport me into fictional worlds, I would print that statement out, then time travel a couple of season past this one and make Dawson eat his words. In any case, a moment later Dawson says he's not cool with it. But then a moment after that, he says he is.

Pacey and Joey return to the Potter residence. He's all nervous and cute and FAR superior to Dawson, so when he tries to kiss her and she leaps away, I kind of want to smack her a little bit. She shoots him down. Before he leaves, he asks her if, had she kissed him back, she would've been thinking of somebody else. We know who. She doesn't deny it. I sort of think she should go to jail for thinking of Dawson while kissing Pacey, so it's probably for the best that she didn't kiss him back. I don't think I would enjoy watching five more seasons of Joey in the state prison.

Dawson's lying on his bed, contemplating. He leaps up, and hurries to the video store, where Pacey's lounging behind the counter. "I figured you'd be here," he says. Why? Aren't they closed? Nobody is working there. Anyway, Dawson tells Pacey he thought about it and doesn't want him to kiss Joey. Get a grip, Dawson! Make up your damn mind. Pacey says they made out in the car and that she's cooking for him the following night. Dawson says he's full of it. Pacey says Dawson is, too. Thank you, Pacey! "You expend way too much time and energy on a girl you say is just a friend." Then: "Who's it gonna be? The blond, or the brunette?" The age-old question! (PS: Always the brunette.)

The answers, they're forthcoming! Only two episodes left in the season. I can't decide if season two will be harder to write about because it's kind of boring, or easier to write about because it's so, so ridiculous. Probably the latter. Let's face it.