Detention

So, officially, this episode is called "Detention." But in my day, these episodes were all named after movies! This was "The Breakfast Club," "Baby" was "Look Who's Talking," etc. I distinctly remember this, and the internet backs me up. What I don't know is why they changed them all to generic names for syndication, DVD releases, etc. It can't be a copyright issue if you're just using the NAME, right?

I digress. The Breakfast Club episode! Finally, something good.

Dawson has a stuffed ET doll on his bed. That is all I can say about that.

Dawson and Joey somehow end up wrestling for the remote on his bed. Then it gets awkward and they stop. Dawson is yucky. They're talking about an unnamed movie where a girl chooses between two guys based on who has the fastest car. "Why don't they just arm wrestle, and whoever has the biggets bicep wins?" whines Dawson. He's just mad because he doesn't have the biggest bicep. Joey calls him out on just being pissy that a girl would pick a guy based on superficial reasons and not based on his romantic soul. Because that way Dawson would never get a girl! "Let me get this straight. If girls are so attracted to the romantic guys, then... why won't Jen have sex with you?" Way to get straight to the point, Joey! Dawson pouts and puts the movie back on while Joey shakes her head in disdain, along with the rest of the audience.

Aaaand credits.

At Capeside High, Joey is giving a presentation. I think this is the first appearance of Abby Morgan-- she walks into class late. A football player in the class-- we can tell he's a football player because of his perma-letter jacket-- asks Joey inappropriate questions about concubines. She snaps back at him that he has a low IQ. Nice.

Meanwhile in the hallway, Pacey is chatting with Jen by her locker, telling her all about how they used to call Dawson "Oompa Loompa." Heh. Appropriate. Dawson approaches and Pacey antagonizes him about how he sucks at gym class (and really, everything), before leaving him alone with Jen. Dawson presses to find out what they were talking about, but she doesn't relent. She changes the subject to how bored with life she is-- "Let's do something wild this weekend, like river rafting, or jump out of a plane naked." Um, no. Nobody needs to see Dawson naked. Bad idea, Jennifer.

In the boys' locker room, Dawson tricks Pacey into telling him what he said to Jen. "You told her people called me Oompa Loompa?!" They're really building this tension between the boys here.

In class, Jen tries to participate in a discussion about euthanasia, and the teacher's all like, "I don't know how classes operated in New York City, but we raise our HANDS here!" She defends euthanasia and the teacher leaps over the line between separation of church and state, bitching about the sanctity of the Lord's gift of life or some such. Then Jen says, "Life's a bitch." Then the teacher says, "This is not Times Square, Miss Lindley. We don't use that kind of language here." Ha. Detention for you, Jen!

In the cafeteria, the aforementioned football player antagonizes Joey in the lunch line. He's one of those one note, "I rule the school" TV jerks that just furthers the plot, but whatever. Well, he pushes Joey one step too far, and she punches him right in the face, which is pretty awesome. Good stuff.

In the gym, Pacey convinces Dawson to play basketball with him after class. Not really a fair game, is it? So Pacey's being really obnoxious, and Dawson gets butthurt and stomps off. Now it's Pacey's turn to push Dawson one step too far-- calling him Oompa Loompa-- so Dawson intentionally tries to murder Pacey with a basketball to the face. Pretty sure Dawson should be put in jail. Pacey's hot. Detention!

And now it's Saturday, which we know because the song playing on the soundtrack is about Saturday. Dawson and Jen approach the library for their sentence and are surprised to find Pacey already there, purple nose and everything. Then Abby Morgan shows up. She's a little one note, too-- the provocative bitch. I guess she gets a little development later, but whatever. She's annoying.

Then Joey walks in, much to everyone's surprise. She takes her seat among the other prisoners, as the librarian presiding over detention tells them basically, "Now I'm going to go to my secluded office where I can't keep an eye on you, but don't do anything bad, mmkay?" Once she's gone, Abby interrogates everybody about their crimes. Pacey won't tell. With good reason, if I recall correctly! We already know what everybody else did.

A little later, Abby tells everybody she got in trouble for having an ecstasy-fueled orgy in the bathroom. Ew. That bathroom is probably filthy.

And later still, Dawson says, "this is SO Breakfast Club." Because they knew their target audience was in diapers when The Breakfast Club came out, they have clueless Jen ask, "Breakfast Club?" Maybe she thinks he wants to take her to Waffle House. Do they have Waffle Houses in Massachussetts? I know it started in the South, because the first one is down the street, but surely people up North crave hash browns at 4 a.m., too. Joey and Dawson explain the movie, and then comes the set up for my favorite joke-- Jen asks what happened to the actors in the film, and Dawson enlightens her. He tells her about Anthony Michael Hall and Molly Ringwald, and says that "the rest are languishing somewhere in TV obscurity." This irks Pacey. "No way, Emilio Estevez, he was in those Duck movies, remember? Those were classics. So funny!" Heh. Oh, Charlie Conway.

Now everybody takes a bathroom break, so we are treated to a shot of Pacey and Dawson peeing. So strange to me. I don't want to watch boys at urinals, ever, really.

Even later, Abby gets bored and suggests they all play Truth or Dare. That's an obvious choice, Abby. Should've gone for Strip Freeze Tag or something a little more original. I have no idea how you would strip if you're frozen. That's the challenge. In any case, Abby dares Pacey to kiss Jen, and Dawson gets a little apoplectic. They do it, though. Then Pacey turns the heat on Joey-- "Who do you like?" Are we twelve? Well, I was, when this was originally on. Joey changes to a dare, so Pacey dares her to kiss Dawson. The horror!

Joey then asks Jen if Dawson is who Jen is most attracted to at Capeside. Dawson's all, "yeah, am I??" Everybody is so catty in this episode; it's great. Jen sputters a bit and then spits out the lie: "Yes, I lust for Dawson." Ew. No, Jen, I think that's just indigestion.

Dawson suggests they all sneak out of the library for a bit. They tiptoe past the office where the librarian is absorbed in soap operas, and go to the copy room where they photocopy their butts. What fun! Pacey and Dawson get in a little jealous tiff, and Pacey calls him Oompa Loompa again. Cue old school Western movie Mexican standoff music. They challenge each other to a basketball game, so it's off to the gym.

Pacey is skins and Dawson is shirts, and for that I am thankful. The girls snipe at each other in the bleachers. "Joey, it's obvious you're in love with Dawson!" says Abby, to explain why Joey keeps refusing Jen's friendship. "Am not!" she cries, but she so is, and Jen totally knows it.

Abby announces frantically that it's time to get back to the library before they get caught. And now comes the Breakfast Club-style run through the hallways, complete with the scene where they all slide down the corridor as if their shoes were, in fact, socks. They get caught anyway.

Punishment is organizing the card catalog. So before this, were they just supposed to be sitting there? I mean, it's a library, I guess they could read. Still. That's even more boring than having to watch this episode.

The librarian reveals Abby's true crime-- excessive tardies. But then we find out Pacey's offense-- jerking off in the locker room after some cheerleaders get him all hot and bothered in the gym. Dirty.

In between all that, Dawson reveals all his insecurities. He's not a "big sex stud" like Pacey. Well, duh.
"I guess I'm just looking for a reason... for why you don't want me," he says to Jen. She's all, "I like you!" because she can't make herself say those words out loud. She tells him he's a god-send, and how he's romantic, and all that. "Dawson, it's because of you that I get through the bad days." Ugh.

Joey's making a distressed face over at the table while this is going on. I'm making a distressed face, too, but for a different reason. She has an outburst about being inexperienced, so don't feel bad Dawson, and he says she'll find the right person, and she says she has. He runs to her side and she talks about her weird feelings while trying to hold back tears. It's super obvious that she means him, though he doesn't get it, because he's a moron. Jen gets it, and looks very uncomfortable with this situation. Then the librarian comes back in, and it's time to go home. Off the hook this time, Jo.

Wow, that one wasn't as awesome as I remembered. Maybe the next one will be awesome? Except, nope, it's the one with Jen's boyfriend from New York. Hmm.